10 Ways to Raise a Selfish Child

We captured a moment. The picture, frozen in time, was of an ungrateful preschool birthday girl receiving an apparently undesirable gift.

Oh.

I felt like we dodged the embarrassment bullet when I realized the gift-giver’s mama had not witnessed our daughter’s reaction. I was thankful the giver of the gift was oblivious to the receiver’s response.

Phew….

The photo was a warning shot to Tom and to me. God had given us the message that we were not raising our kids to have thankful hearts.

We thought we were modeling and living gratefulness, but what we hadn’t done was direct character training. We hadn’t even prayed about growing a thankful heart in our kids.

Oops.

Osmosis and serendipity are a shot in the dark. They are not strategies. They don’t do the transforming. Direct training, intentional modeling,  and prayer are actions that move self-centered humans to the unnatural quality of unselfishness.

Here are some things to do if you want an ungrateful and entitled child:

1.       Stir the envy pot.  Envy is birthed when admiration morphs into jealousy. Jealousy becomes a bitter-root.
One way we can avoid envy is by not comparing our kids—their success or failures, to a sibling or to one of their peers. Avoid saying things like, “Look how successful Nathan is. If you spent as much time on your work as he does you will experience success too.” Instead inquire, “What do you think you could do to have greater success?”

2.       Focus on the gift not the giver. When the gift rather than the giver becomes the focus, kids are more likely to feel dissatisfied with the gift and with the person who gave it.
Instead focus on the person and the relationship, “Look what Auntie Sherri gave you. She put a lot of thought and time into giving you this gift.” Whether the child loves the gift or not isn’t the issue. Train your kids to understand people are more important than stuff.

3.       Treat their efforts to pitch in with a critical spirit.
Instead, be sure to thank them for their participation rather than saying, “They ought to be emptying the dishwasher.” Or “You guys should have done it this way instead.”
Avoid redoing what the child does. By taking over the task or making it “better” the motivation to be a part of the family team has just been shot down. It’s good to train kids for a task but the timing of and the approach to that training is important.

4.      Whine, complain, or grumble about your job or house work. Act as if you or your child doesn't deserve to have any discomfort or struggle. Our attitude sets the tone in the family. Instead one could say, “The cleaning needs to get done and I am so thankful I have a house to clean.”

5.       Give him everything he wants. Put the child as the center of attention. Tell the child he deserves______ and is more important, better, or cuter than______.
No, instead let him earn some of his heart’s desires and learn to value others as he does himself.

6.    Don't show appreciation. Expect special treatment.  Don't encourage him to share.
Rather reinforce the times you have seen your child respond unselfishly or demonstrated a thankful heart.

7.   Focus on your struggles and  challenges.
Instead talk about the silver-lining in your challenges. Perhaps something you learned along the way.

8.   Place a high value attractiveness,  accomplishments, talent, academics, power, and possessions over values, faith, and desirable character traits.
Rather focus on the internal character traits instead of the external accomplishments or appearance. Say, "I noticed you showed kindness and consideration when ou held the door for the elderly woman."

9.   Do whatever it takes to get ahead.
No, instead be considerate and a team player while striving to do your best. Honor others with affirming words and actions.

10. Don't pray about your child's character only pray about things that will make him "happy".
 Do pray specifically for the traits you want to see develop. "Father, replace my child's selfish heart with a generous heart. Give him opportunities to step outside of himself and assist another person."

This Thanksgiving the Wildenberg gang is going to change it up. We typically go around the table and share what we are thankful for. The thoughts expressed have started to sound repetitive, fired without much thought. This year we are going to hit the thankfulness bullseye and share this way:

             “ I am thankful for (this struggle) because God is teaching me___________________.”

 Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5: 18

With love,

Lori Wildenberg
Connect with Lori if you would like her to speak at your next event or if you would like to have some parent coaching-consulting.

               

http://www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com

 http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Big-Kids-Supernatural-Love/dp/0991284275/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1447336154&sr=8-1&keywords=raising+big+kids+with+supernatural++love&pebp=1447336157873&perid=177Z4JY65K4PNPNFZE5G

Count Your Blessings

Friends,

 I thought a great way to start off November would be to focus on gratefulness and our many blessings. Chris Carter is our guest blogger today. She is passing along  a great idea that she uses in her home-weekly- and you can too. Be blessed by her words. ~Lori

We have a blessings jar. I got the idea from someone, somewhere... and I am forever grateful for this creative and easy way to count our blessings as a family.  (I wish I could give credit where credit is due!)  Our jar is filled with scribbles of gratitude on random pieces of paper written by my husband, my kids and me. Every Sunday evening, we have dinner together and I bring the jar to the table and a bunch of paper and pens.  My kids know full well that it’s time to reflect and realize all those moments that brought us joy. I am convicted of this incredible purpose in teaching my children the art of gratitude.  In any situation, we can always be thankful.  His Blessings are abundant, even in trying times. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, 

whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, 

whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable

—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 

Philippians 4:8

Nothing rewarding is never really easy.

This is a task and a chore at times, as my kids may groan or sigh in this assignment. Even my husband and I struggle to remember the significant and sometimes small blessings that have occurred throughout the week’s fullness and busyness.  I remind them that we can find gratitude in so many little things in our lives, not just the big events or celebrations or victories.  This is why I find the practice of gratitude to be so important:

Over and over again, in hopes that we develop the unconditional habit of praising Him in every detail of our lives, always striving to “think about such things”.

It would be easy to pass through our days and weeks and months with a smile and a nod, a flittering thought and a brushing breath of gratefulness.  But I want to record and affirm in our hearts a deeper cultivation of true thanksgiving.  I seek to further our thoughtfulness and grow and stretch us beyond a mere “thank you”.  There is always this overwhelming tide that pushes furiously to the next day, which can tend to leave us taking our riches for granted and not for glory.

I want to teach my children the art of threading gratitude into their every day life.  

I want to impart the greatest treasure in living with a heart that sees and recognizes each and every moment God offers us His Greatness. 

Perhaps my intention flows even deeper. For in my children’s lives, there will be darker days and moments that bind their hearts with grief or sadness or anger. There will be loss and rage and injustice and pain. There will be questioning and confusion and searching for answers. It’s those times, I pray they steady their course with intentional thanksgiving, and realize its illuminating power.

Every New Year’s Day, we open our jar filled with a year’s worth of blessings that we have captured on paper.  We read each one of them together and bask in the celebration of our bounty. 

I will keep that jar, and date the year. I am collecting them as we grow and learn what it means to live, bringing to light all that is worthy of praise. 

How do you practice Philippians 4:8 in your home?  

Meet my friend, Chris Carter!

Chris Carter is a SAHM who regularly shares inspiration through faith, encouragement and laughter on her blog, TheMomCafe.com. She also contributes to MotheringFromScratch.com as a regular Momtor, sharing her wisdom and faith in motherhood. She has an active life with her two school age children and is involved in various ministries within her church.  Her passion is to reach out to women both on line and off line, in hopes that God’s Light will shine through her words and her life-stories.  She also leads a women’s group and a small group in her home, where she finds joy and blessings of many fruitful friendships within the fellowship she holds so dear to her heart!

After twenty years in a career of Music Therapy in Psychiatric settings in Chicago’s inner city, she has seen and experienced the suffering and the brokenness that is in our world.  Her passion is in helping those who are lost and suffering in their lives, as well as those who are in need of surrendering to His Loving Grace and everlasting Power.  Her prayer is that God blesses her gift to do His Mighty Work. 

Click here to find Chris on Facebook.

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