Monday, August 7, 2017

Have you ever heard this from your kids?

Photo by Braydon Anderson on Unsplash

"That's not -------------                       fair!"
Rare is the parent who never heard this phrase uttered in the home. Most of us have heard that exact line pop out of our kids' mouthes. (You intuitively knew how to complete the phrase above didn't you?) 

The child verbalizing this could be five or he could be 15. Fairness is a concept we jealously guard for ourselves. We want the fairness scale balanced when it comes to our needs or wants. 

This is where the fairness training comes in. 
  • It is positive children can identify what is and isn't fair for themselves. 

  • The next step is to extend that idea to others for their benefit. 

To be fair, fairness is a soft skill that must be learned if we want our kids to  understand rules, honesty, and good decision making. 

Fairness teaches us not to blame others, to care for others, and admit when we are wrong. 

 After studying fairness, I think it is also the beginning of understanding the concept of respect and a piece of grasping the idea of humility. Justice often follows the idea of fairness. Fairness moves people to protect the underdog.

 It is good to train our kids to be fair. 

 Fairness is not equality. Fairness is equity. 
Equal means everything, everyone is exactly the same.
There are no special considerations.
Fairness is equity in the way people are treated; 

all people get what they need to be successful. 

 Here's a little story of fair and equal as it could relate to family life.
The whole family goes to the eye doctor.
Only one person needs glasses but to be "equal" no one gets glasses.
 To be fair the person who needs them receives them
and the ones who don't need them don't get them.

 Fairness moves us to treat others the way we want to be treated. It stops us from using or taking advantage of others. We are motivated to think about how our actions or words will affect someone else. Anger, jealousy, and sibling rivalry are stirred when kids perceive parents playing favorites. 

 Rules, guidelines, and boundaries provide the structure for fairness and for conversations about what is fair. Fairness helps our kiddos feel safe and secure. If, as parents, we play by the rules and enforce our rules we will instill the character quality of fairness in our kids. 

 Once we can wrap our brains around fairness for ourselves and then others we have have a better understanding of what sacrifice means. 

 Jesus even talked about fairness, 
So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you… 

Matthew 7:12 

How to Have a Wise Kid (#4) 
10 Questions to Evaluate Emotional Safety in Your Home (#5)
How to Increase Your Child's Resiliency (#6)
10 Questions to Assess Your Child's People Skills (#7)
How to Train Your Child to Share (#8)

Here are two related posts:

I Was Raised to be Charming 
10 Ways to Raise a Selfish Child


Lori Wildenberg is a licensed parent and family educator and  co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com , Lori's newest parenting book is available on Amazon or at your favorite bookstore.  Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home.   Contact Lori for your next event or for parent consulting or parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  the MOMS Together community on Facebook. 






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Monday, July 31, 2017

How to Train Your Child to Share


Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

 "My son must be selfish. He won't share his toys." One mom whispered her confession to me following a young moms event at a local church.

When our kids don't share, many of us feel like that mom. We are horrified to discover we have raised a selfish kid.

"How old is your boy?"

 "2 and a half."

 "Your child isn't selfish. He's two."

I went on to reassure her that developmentally kids need to learn ownership before they are able to understand the concept of sharing. Her son was acting just as any toddler would.

Have you seen the Toddler Rules of Ownership? (I LOVE this list!)


1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
11. If it's broken, but you are having fun playing with the pieces, it's mine again.
12. If there is ANY doubt, it's mine.

Sharing is a developmental. Sharing doesn't come naturally. It is a skill to be encouraged, modeled, directly taught, and practiced.

If kids are unable to share, whoever is the biggest or the most clever will always rule. Those children will eventually have trouble maintaining  friendships,difficulty working with others, and sharing credit.

Sharing teaches children how to cooperate, compromise, take turns, wait in line, negotiate, and manage disappointment. 


Sharing is a necessary people skill. We equate sharing with people who are generous. Conversely, we consider non-sharers selfish.

Here's a little developmental guideline to help us train our kids to share:

  • Toddlers (1-2 years old )
    •  do not get the concept of sharing because they really own the world. When they say, "MINE" parents can help children identify what really is and isn't their's. "These are Remington's blocks." "These are Mommy's shoes." 
  • Preschoolers (3-4 years old) 
    • understand turn taking:"You go first. I'll go next. Then it's Hudson's turn." 
    • are able to trade: "You play with this for 5 minutes. I'll play with that for 5 minutes. Then we will switch toys for 5 minutes." 
    • are beginning to get the concept of sharing but don't fully embrace it." Sharing needs to be practiced, talked about, and encouraged. 
  • School-age kids (5 years old) 
    • begin to understand the idea of fairness.
    • are able to share and take turns."When Audrey comes over you will need to share your Lego Duplos with her."
Remember we all have special things. So kids don't need to share everything with a playmate or sibling. Let you child own somethings that are just his. This teaches responsibility for material items. It's OK not to share everything. The special toys can be put away so they don't have to be shared during a play date or kept in the closet until little sister takes her nap.

The progression from owning, to trading, to sharing
leads to the final soft skill of giving. 

Being able to give something to another is often part of the sharing training that is over looked. Train your child what giving looks like: Giving presents, spending time with someone  minus any expectation of receiving. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays are some natural times to talk about and train for generosity and gratefulness-- two characteristics most parents would like to foster in their children.

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly,
and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
2 Corinthians 9:6 

This is article number 8 in a series of blogs on Emotional Quotient and People Skills. Here are the previous posts:

How to Have a Wise Kid (#4) 
10 Questions to Evaluate Emotional Safety in Your Home (#5)
How to Increase Your Child's Resiliency (#6)
10 Questions to Assess Your Child's People Skills (#7)
Here are two related posts:

I Was Raised to be Charming 
10 Ways to Raise a Selfish Child


Lori Wildenberg is a licensed parent and family educator and  co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com , Lori's newest parenting book is available on Amazon or at your favorite bookstore.  Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home.   Contact Lori for your next event or for parent consulting or parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  the MOMS Together community on Facebook. 










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Monday, July 24, 2017

10 Questions to Assess Your Child's People Skills




"Teens today need training in everyday courtesies. I have to actually train my teen employees to greet people who walk into the shop and I need to teach them to look customers in the eye while talking."

This comment came from a business owner. She is not alone in her evaluation of teen workers. Since she mentioned her frustration, I have heard others in similar positions express the same sentiment.

Historically, people skills have been caught. Subtle interactions and nonverbal communication  were observed and then imitated.

Apparently what used to be noticed and practiced is now slipping past many young people. Perhaps we are too distracted with devices and schedules to lift our heads, see life around us, and to interact with others.

Many of the items listed in Robert Fulghum's book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten are soft skills, people skills. Here are some of the items on his list:

  


  • Share.
  • Play fair.
  • Don't hit people.
  • Put things back where you found them.
  • Clean up your own mess.
  • Don't take things that aren't yours.
  • Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.


    • We can no longer solely rely on our kid's power of observation and ability to interpret interpersonal interaction. Soft skills such as communication, respect, integrity, positive attitude, work ethic, conflict resolution, empathy, time management, and team work need to be intentionally taught in the home.

    So how are your kid's soft skills?
    Here are some questions to evaluate where they may need some training. (Note: some of these questions over lap the EQ Assessment-blog #1 in the series. See additional links below.):

    1. Is your child able to share?
    2. Can your child play by the rules?
    3. Is your child respectful of other people?
    4. Is your child responsible for his "stuff" and mess?
    5. Does your child admit when he is wrong and say he is sorry?
    6. Can your child look others in the eye when speaking or listening?
    7. Does he greet people as they enter a room?
    8. What is his general disposition?
    9. Is he able to persevere?
    10. How does he handle disagreement?

    People skills and Emotional Intelligence (or EQ) are closely linked. EQ can be increased and social skills can  taught.

    The upcoming blogs will focus on developing our children's people skills. In the meantime, let's follow Robert Fulghum's advice. Eat warm cookies with cold milk, take an afternoon nap, flush, and hold hands and stick together.

    Love your neighbor as yourself.
    Mark 12:31




    Lori Wildenberg is a licensed parent and family educator and  co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com , Lori's newest parenting book is available on Amazon or at your favorite bookstore.  Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home.   Contact Lori for your next event or for parent consulting or parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  the MOMS Together community on Facebook. 





    Here are the previous related blogs on EQ:



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    Monday, July 17, 2017

    How to Increase Your Child's Resiliency (EQ #6)






    Most parents hope their kids can stay calm during a struggle and bounce back after a failure. Stress management and emotional resiliency are piece of EQ. Being calm during frustrating moments or bouncing back after a disappointment doesn’t come naturally for most people. It is learned via experience. Therefore it is critical our kids have experience with hard times. 

    No parent wants their child to struggle yet struggle is a good teacher. No mom or dad wants their child to fail yet failure is the best teacher. Tackling the struggle in a positive way actually occurs before the struggle is experienced. Train your kids in positive self talk. 

    Self talk that sounds like:
    • I can't.
    • I'm stupid.
    • I won't.
    • I never.
    • I failed.
    • I give up.

    keeps a person stuck, unable to move forward. Instead help your kids embrace a challenge. Train them to say things like:
    • I will  try.
    • I'm capable.
    • I'm willing.
    • I'm learning.
    • I'll try a different way. 
    If we want resilient kids, kids who can accept disappointment and then move forward we must resist the urge to rescue or fix every struggle or prevent failure. Difficulty, opposition, or failure present opportunities to grow. Hardship produces perseverance and develops patience.  

    Although it goes against our protective parental grain, allowing struggle is a loving thing to do. 

    Support rather than rescue. Build your child's confidence by allowing him to experience and own his successes and failures.


    Dedication, perseverance, and commitment make up the quality of resiliency. These resilient characteristics are born out of struggle. 


    Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, 
    because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

    perseverance, character; and character, hope.  

    And hope does not put us to shame,

     because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, 
    who has been given to us. 
    Romans 5:3-5

    Next week we will talk about how to develop your child's  "soft skills" .

    The Emotional Quotient Series.


    Lori Wildenberg is a licensed parent and family educator and  co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com , Lori's newest parenting book is available on Amazon or at your favorite bookstore.  Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home.   Contact Lori for your next event or for parent consulting or parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  the MOMS Together community on Facebook. 




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    Monday, July 10, 2017

    10 Questions to Evaluate Emotional Safety in Your Home (EQ part 5)



    Life is full of unexpected ups and downs. Our kids must learn how to be resilient in the midst of disappointments. But they cannot be resilient unless they feel emotionally safe. 

     This is the 5th blog in a series of articles that focus on raising our child's emotional quotient. 

     If we desire resilient kids it is up to moms and dads to provide an emotionally safe environment for our kids to experience failure or struggle. 

     To do this we start by examining ourselves:

     1. Am I trustworthy with confidential information?
    2. Am I sensitive to personal struggles and hopes shared?
    3. Do I refrain from using personal information as a weapon later?
    4. Am I able to handle the small irritations and inconveniences in life with calm and patience?
    5. Am I able to remain calm when bad decisions are made or accidents occur?
    6. Do I avoid comparing my child to his siblings or peers?
    7. Am I able to deal directly with a problem rather than use a passive aggressive approach?
    8. Can I be kind even when I disagree? 
    9. Am I real with my kids, letting them know I experience struggles and make mistakes? 
    10. Is my home a place where it is OK to be imperfect and a little weird sometimes? 

     After some honest self examination and making the necessary adjustments, we are better able to provide an emotionally safe atmosphere for our kids.

     Next week we will discuss how to increase resiliency in our  children. 
        “May those who love you be secure.
     May there be peace within your walls and security within your citadels.”
     For the sake of my family and friends, I will say, “Peace be within you.”
    Psalm 122: 6b-8


     Here are the links to the previous articles in the series:

    Here are some related posts you may enjoy: 

     Quit Giving Your Kids These 7 Compliments
    The Top 10 Ways Imperfection Helps Kids.
    10 Ways to Raise a Smart Kid


    Lori Wildenberg is a licensed parent and family educator and  co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com , Lori's newest parenting book is available on Amazon or at your favorite bookstore.  Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home.   Contact Lori for your next event or for parent consulting or parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  the MOMS Together community on Facebook. 
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