5 Things to Never Say to an Adoptive Parent

When Tom and I were going through the adoption process with our oldest kiddo (the other three came the old fashioned way), we received many unintentionally hurtful comments. Now our daughter is a young adult and we rarely hear insensitive remarks about her adoption. But...these 5 comments are still being verbalized to most newly adoptive families.

If you have a friend or family member who is adopting a child, avoid saying these 5 things:

1. You know ...as soon as you adopt you will get pregnant. 
The goal of adoption is to get a child, not to get pregnant with another. This comment discounts the anticipated arrival of the adoptee.

2. What do you know about her real mom? 
Real mom? Don't reduce the adoptive parent's role to less than real. And regarding the sought after information-- that belongs to the child. This falls into the NOYB category. (None of your business)

3. You got your child the easy way. No labor.
There is nothing easy about adoption. It has a labor all its own; a sea of paperwork, meetings, waiting, approvals, etc. The beautiful thing is mom and dad do the adoption labor together.

4. I hope your child knows how lucky she is to be in your family. 
Most adoptive parents feel as if they are the ones who are blessed to have the child. What child feels beholden to his parents for his birth or his adoption?

5. How much did your child cost? Was adoption cheaper than in vitro-fertilization? 
Again, NOYB.

One bonus thought: My personal pet peeve is the never funny but often told adoption joke. You know the one, "You are so_______(fill in the blank)  you must be adopted." This isn't funny. It's  mean spirited and gives the message, if  a person is  adopted he or she really doesn't "officially" belong.

The path that leads to adoption typically contains some heart ache for the child, the birth parent, and/or the adoptive parent. What an adoptive parent would love from friends and family is support, understanding, and encouragement for themselves and their child.

What would you add to the list?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.
In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ,
 in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace,
which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
Ephesians 1:3-6

Lori Wildenberg Co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, co-author of three parenting books.  Contact Lori for your next speaking engagement.If you found this post helpful check out Lori's co-authored books:
Raising Little Kids with Big Love ( toddler to 9) 
and Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  ( tween to young adult).

Who's Your Mama

In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ.

 Ephesians 5a

I really hate TV shows and books that are about an adopted child being reunited with his biological parent. The stories tend to reinforce an adopted child's fantasy that all will be well once the biological parents are found. But mostly I am turned off by these accounts because I feel a little threatened.

Since I was in third grade, I knew two things. I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted to be a mom. I went to school, graduated, and got a teaching job. I got married, tried to get pregnant, and didn’t. For four years I went through the long and emotionally draining experience of infertility treatments.

My husband Tom and I had pictured a life with four kids with our last being adopted. God’s plan was different. In His great wisdom he had us adopt first-from Colombia- and then I gave birth to three other kids.

I have always jealously guarded my role as a mom.

I bristled when people asked me about Courtney’s real mom or said, Once you adopt I heard you get pregnant. All insensitive comments. I wanted to shout, “I’m her real mom and whether or not I carried her in my body or in my heart makes no difference.” That is true. True… for me.

I’ve come to realize my feelings are not the only important feelings in this adoption journey. (What do you know… it isn’t all about me!) The fact that I did not birth Courtney matters to her. It matters to her because she had a life before she was adopted. She has a history in which I’m not a part. Sure, her birth mom chose to make an adoption plan, Tom and I decided to adopt. But… no one asked Courtney.

The adopted child is the only one powerless in the adoption. Adoption is not only about joining another family, it is also about abandonment.

Courtney has told me she has a hole in her heart that won’t go away. I can’t fix my daughter’s wound. Finding her Colombian birth mom would be very difficult, but even if we were successful, I’m afraid the hole would remain.

The only way to fill that hole is with God and His love for His children.

Tom and I have always been honest with Courtney about her story and have done our best to give unconditional love to all our kids. We remind her that adoption is precious in God’s sight. So valued that he considers all of us his adopted kids. So we will continue to love and support her. And…we (by we- I mean me) will try to understand her struggles rather than take them personally. This is her journey of faith and discovery- and I am her mom. Always.

Has your life been touched in someway by adoption? I would love to hear how.