Who's Your Mama

In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ.

 Ephesians 5a

I really hate TV shows and books that are about an adopted child being reunited with his biological parent. The stories tend to reinforce an adopted child's fantasy that all will be well once the biological parents are found. But mostly I am turned off by these accounts because I feel a little threatened.

Since I was in third grade, I knew two things. I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted to be a mom. I went to school, graduated, and got a teaching job. I got married, tried to get pregnant, and didn’t. For four years I went through the long and emotionally draining experience of infertility treatments.

My husband Tom and I had pictured a life with four kids with our last being adopted. God’s plan was different. In His great wisdom he had us adopt first-from Colombia- and then I gave birth to three other kids.

I have always jealously guarded my role as a mom.

I bristled when people asked me about Courtney’s real mom or said, Once you adopt I heard you get pregnant. All insensitive comments. I wanted to shout, “I’m her real mom and whether or not I carried her in my body or in my heart makes no difference.” That is true. True… for me.

I’ve come to realize my feelings are not the only important feelings in this adoption journey. (What do you know… it isn’t all about me!) The fact that I did not birth Courtney matters to her. It matters to her because she had a life before she was adopted. She has a history in which I’m not a part. Sure, her birth mom chose to make an adoption plan, Tom and I decided to adopt. But… no one asked Courtney.

The adopted child is the only one powerless in the adoption. Adoption is not only about joining another family, it is also about abandonment.

Courtney has told me she has a hole in her heart that won’t go away. I can’t fix my daughter’s wound. Finding her Colombian birth mom would be very difficult, but even if we were successful, I’m afraid the hole would remain.

The only way to fill that hole is with God and His love for His children.

Tom and I have always been honest with Courtney about her story and have done our best to give unconditional love to all our kids. We remind her that adoption is precious in God’s sight. So valued that he considers all of us his adopted kids. So we will continue to love and support her. And…we (by we- I mean me) will try to understand her struggles rather than take them personally. This is her journey of faith and discovery- and I am her mom. Always.

Has your life been touched in someway by adoption? I would love to hear how.

Parenting Lies

Friends,  First off, sorry to send this twice. I've been experiencing some technical difficulties. I noticed the white lettering that worked well on the site doesn't work too well in the e-mail! Now rather than getting an e-mail without the text....here you are! I really didn't want you to miss what Laura had to say. Today's posting is a guest blog from Laura Crosby. Laura loves the Lord and loves people. She writes in a straight forward, honest way. She's wife to John and mom to two young adult daughters. Be blessed!-Lori

There are two primary lies when it comes to parenting.

1.  You can get it right.

2.  You are in control.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but both, as my daughter Maggie would say, are "lies from the pit of hell."

If you've been a parent for more than like, 38 minutes you already know these are lies.

Or you're on drugs or in denial.

We have two adult daughters (Katy, 26, and Maggie, 24) who we're incredibly proud of.  They are in great jobs, following Jesus, and they haven't been arrested for a felony and haven't been in drug rehab.  Yet.  It could still happen.

We've made mistakes.  A lot of them.

Like the time we accidentally forgot one child at church. (We only HAVE two kids.  You'd think it would be obvious if half our brood was missing in the car.)

Or the time John accidentally gave Maggie vomit inducing Ipecac in the middle of the night, thinking it was cough syrup.

Katy might point out how in grade school she was scarred for life when she was home sick and I let her watch "Wait Until Dark" while I ran to the grocery store.

Maggie, freezing and wet and traumatized, would remind you of the time John promised over and over that he would catch her sledding down the hill before she careened into the slushy pond.  And didn't.

These we can laugh at now (Except maybe Maggie on that last one), but there have been many other mistakes with more lasting consequences that have sent me to my knees.

You can add your own confessions.  I know you can!

So the bad news is you're gonna make mistakes and you're not in control.  But there's good news too.

1.  There's grace.

When the girls were in grade school once we were coming home from a vacation in Florida at a time we had had to pull them out of school.

They're both really good students but keeping up with homework when there's a beach beckoning is tough.  In spite of our reminders, Katy had not done the work she was supposed to do.  John, frustrated, said, "Katy!  Give me one good reason why I shouldn't punish you!"

She didn't miss a beat.  "Because you're always telling us it's all about Grace, Grace and more GRACE!!"

I think of all the ways I've messed up and, I think of my heavenly parent.  I'm His reckless, well-meaning toddler, crashing into things and tripping over my toes.  I'm overwhelmed by a God who picks me up and dusts me off, and sets me back on my feet with the power to redeem my mistakes, turn me around and point me in the right direction.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

2.  There's Someone better than you in control.

I think the go-to prayer for parents of kids at any age  is basically "Helpmehelpmehelpme!"  But it was during the college years when I felt particularly helpless and out-of-control as a parent that I developed this breath prayer:

Breathe in a name for God: "Abba Father"

Breathe out the cry of your heart: "Do what only You can do..."

"Protect, guide, encourage, convict, woo..."

It's a practice that reminds me that God is sovereign and amazingly, loves my kids even more than I can.

What lies are you tempted to buy into as a parent?  What practices are helpful for you?

  Laura Crosby, is a follower of Jesus who says she gets it wrong a lot.  She attempts to pay attention to the work of God in, through, and around her, but admits it's definitely a sloooooow process! Laura loves creating all kinds of things, including a welcoming place in her home where there’s good food and lively conversation. She's a friend to twenty-somethings journeying with Jesus, a walker, and a Starbuck's groupie. Laura's blog Awake My Soul Blog is about paying attention to the relationships, experiences, and practices God uses to form us...taking Him seriously, but ourselves not so much. 

Love is

Theme: Love!
 In celebration of Valentine's Day I'm posting a love poem.

Love

Love is:
Teaching your child to pray.Cleaning up throw up in the middle of the night and not complaining.
Smiling when your child throws his dirty, sandy arms around you, making your new outfit a little dirty.
Saying thank you when your child buses his dishes from the table,
      dripping food all the way to the counter.
Holding your child's hand when he gets a shot.
Helping your child clean up after a spill.
Not rolling our eyes when your child spills for the sixth time that day.
Reading the Bible with your children.
 Sticking to your family rules when you are somewhere other than home.
Knowing what your children are reading and watching.
Forgiving your child when he has made a mistake and not bringing it up again.
Taking time to date your spouse.
 Spending time alone with each child.
Listening to your child without judging.
Maintaining a sense of humor.
Responding and reacting to your children  in a way you would like to be treated.
Biting your tongue until you can speak with wisdom and grace.
Delighting in God's creation.
Sharing yourself.
Not listening to music in the car and having a conversation instead.
Helping your child through the struggles of life, not around the struggles.
Building others up.
Taking your child to church.
Praying for your spouse and your children.
Admitting when you are wrong and saying you're sorry.
Putting the needs of your spouse and family above your own.
Patient, Kind, Gentle
Not envious, Not boastful, Not proud, Not rude
Always protecting, Always trusting, Always hopeful,
always persevering
Never failing
ETERNAL
By Lori Wildenberg 2002
Seen in EMPOWERED PARENTS: Putting Faith First Wildenberg & Danielson
Pages 82-83