The Best Thing We can Teach Our Child in a Fallen World

I typically think I'm not so bad. I can usually come up with someone worse.

Thinking though situations where someone hasn't dealt with something well, I may think I could have done better.

At the very least...I have an opinion on how something has been done or how it was handled. (Other people's driving maneuvers come to mind as an example of this.) 

When I make a mistake I am quick to brush it off and give myself grace. 

But...do I do that for others?

(Are you like that too? Maybe this is why Jesus tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven.) 

But...what does this sort of attitude and behavior teach my kids?

I know what it doesn't teach them: 

• It does not teach them humility.
• It does not teach them that God loves the world.
• It does not increase compassion. 

Am I instead training them to think of themselves more highly then they ought?

Am I instead giving a subconscious lesson in how to blame others for personal missteps? 

Personal responsibility and compassion are both traits I pray my children possess. 

Personal responsibility is easier to teach. Natural consequences and daily life tend to be the best teachers. But compassion? How do we train our kids to embrace this quality? 

Recently my pastor gave a sermon about Jesus and his compassion. How he wept over a friend's death, how he met the Samaritan woman at the well, how he went to a sinner's home.

All these events were driven by his love, demonstrated in his compassion.

"Sometimes in this fallen world, the best thing we can do is to teach our children how to be sad." 

I love this quote from James K. A. Smith's book, You Are What You Love. 

Let's think about Mr. Smith's thoughtful words a moment. 

To move our kids to compassion we need to do what Jesus did, experience emotion by walking in another's shoes. To remember that each individual is loved by and created by the Creator. Jesus literally walked in our shoes by taking on flesh. We can gain compassion by first experiencing grief and sadness ourselves then applying to circumstances other people are going through. 

Empathy draws us closer to one another. Empathy can unify us. Empathy participates in another's healing process. Empathy is a necessary quality for relationships in a fallen world. 

By not rescuing our kids and not solving their problems and instead allowing them to feel sadness, disappointment, discouragement, and grief we are giving our kids a gift. The gift of tenderness, understanding, and empathy. All these things are learned through personal struggle or even loss.

I agree with James K.A. Smith that teaching our children how to be sad is one of the best things we can do while living together on a planet inhabited by fallen people. 


I would love to hear your thoughts.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,
clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 

Colossians 3:12

by,

Lori Wildenberg

mom of four, wife to Tom

co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting and co-author of three parenting books. Contact Lori for your next event.

Raising Little Kids with Big Love (Wildenberg & Danielson) 

Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love(Wildenberg & Danielson) 

What a Transparent Parent Looks Like

We hear a lot these days about being transparent.

We mostly think of being real in terms of what that looks like in adult relationships and friendships.

But...being vulnerable, authentic, and open doesn't just apply to adult friendships. It can be implemented in our relationship with our kids, too.

Please hear me, I am not saying indiscriminately verbally vomit. With wisdom and discernment articulate what is appropriate to build connections with your kids.

Avoid saying,  "At least you are not wrestling with _______."  We don't need to enter into a competitive game of,  "Who Has It Worse".  Or give a false perfection impression, "I never struggled with that because I did this." Those comments are communication stoppers. and relationship killers. 

If your child is distressed over with something, this is the time to get real and share one of your struggles at that age. (Give the cliff notes version.) "I understand. I struggled with ________ . " This empathetic statement is a communication mover and a relationship bloomer.

Empathy in a relationship draws people together. Transparency creates a safe place to share. We want to be that safe place for our kids. We want our child to feel as if mom or dad gets it. This creates an atmosphere of trust and understanding. 

Empathy normalizes adversity. The child feels less alone in his pain. 

Sympathy separates people. It halts the exchange between individuals.  Sympathy sounds like, "I'm sorry you feel bad." The problem is then solely owned by one person. Sometimes sympathy discounts feelings by assigning value,  "It sound bad but really, it's not THAT big of a deal." Or it dismisses the uncomfortable emotions altogether, "That stinks but tomorrow's another day."

Typically sympathy moves into solution mode before the individual is ready. "To feel better you should do this next...."

If we begin with empathy, we build a trust-based relationship with our children. If we are not derailed by their pain, our kids know we can handle it so they will be more likely to come to us the next time they are hurting.

We hate to have our kids hurt. We want them happy. We are not good with sad.

But... we don't want our kids to be in a position to protect us from their struggles.

We don't want to them to think we cannot relate to their lives. We don't want them to feel unheard.

If we  dismiss, discount, or the opposite...rescue  our relationships will suffer and our kids will not experience the growth and stretching that comes from hard times. 

Connecting through difficulties cements relationships. 

We all  learn from the struggles. We mature. We take responsibility. We become creative  problem solvers. We develop perseverance. We gain compassion. We practice conflict responsibility.

Appropriate parental transparency allows kids the freedom to express themselves without shame so they are able to own their issues and-- with God's help and perhaps with ours-- figure out how to resolve them. 

After empathy (spurred on by transparency)  has occurred, we can go to the next step and empower our kids to move forward toward the solution by asking permission to chime in, "Would you like some help?" or "I have complete confidence in your ability to deal with this. If you need me, I'm here."

Transparency, vulnerability, and openness bring the fruit of grace and humility into a family.

Grace plus humility creates a  Home Sweet Home. 

My people will live in peaceful dwelling places,

    in secure homes,

    in undisturbed places of rest.
Isaiah 32:18

With faith, hope, and love,

Lori Wildenberg

Co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, co-author of three parenting books.  Contact Lori for your next speaking engagement.

If you found this post helpful check out Lori's co-authored books:
Raising Little Kids with Big Love ( toddler to 9) and Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love 
( tween to young adult).