4 Ways to Navigate Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships.

I've had a few. Have you?

It brings to mind the saying, "Hurting people, hurt people." 

I try to recall this when poisonous behaviors enter my world. 

Grace, yes  I can give that. 

But... how do I avoid being personally affected? To be honest--that's a challenge. I am a people-pleaser. I don't like conflict. I like people to like me. 

The Lord has placed me in God-Pleaser Bootcamp so I can recover from my people-pleaser tenancies. (I have not yet graduated. I've been in training quite awhile.)  

He's teaching me to discern between personal correction and issues that actually belong to another's personal struggle. 

I'm learning toxic relationships create feelings of insecurity, fear, and stress. These relationships can become enmeshed and co-dependent. I don't want them for myself or for my kids.

First I need to identify the behaviors. Next, I need to resolve not to use them. Then I need to know how to respond to them,

Here are ten behaviors and patterns God has been revealing to me. And these are not just other people's issues. They can be common to all of us, common to me. Looking over the list, I confess I have tried on a few of these hats over the years. Thankfully, I have a husband who loves me enough to call me on it.:

1. Mr. Right or Mrs. Right. Never wrong. The blamer. Denies he said or did things he did do. The receiver of this behavior experiences feelings of  low self-worth and confusion. 

2. Stone-cold : Withholds affection and emotion. Ignores. Avoids. Gives the silent treatment. Refuses to have eye contact. The recipient becomes insecure.

3. Energy-Guzzler: Sucks the life right out of the other person. It's all about him or her all the time. Dominates the conversation. Feelings of anxiety prior to seeing this individual result. 

4. Circus Wheel: Mood swings. One minute things are wonderful, the next the worst of the worst. The unpredictability creates a walking on egg shells environment. 

5. The Intimidator. A tantrum thrower, foot stomper, door slammer. This is manipulation to gain control by using anger and bully tactics. This creates a fight or flight scenario.

6. A People-Pitter. Someone who subtly divides people with seemingly innocuous statements in order to maintain power and control in relationships. "I think she might be bi-polar..." 

7. The Victim: Uses guilt and blame to get what they want. Some even create a spiritual twist to it by blaming natural consequences they are experiencing as, "It's the devil's doing or this is a spiritual attack." This individual may even say, "I need to be protected from..." 

8. Cruella-Deville: This person rejoices in another's pain and suffering. "Good.. they deserved that." She smirks with delight when she hears of another person's difficulty or misfortune. 

9. Drama Addict: This person loves a fight. She needs to be in a conflict to get attention and to rally others around her. (similar to the people-pitter) 

10. Image-bearer:This person is very charismatic and unable to share the lime-light. He wants to be viewed as perfect and as the hero. Adoration fuels this fire and he cannot accept any form of criticism or correction because that bursts his own  perfection illusion.

So how do we, how do our kids, navigate life when these behaviors or personalities intersect ours? 

Here are 4 ways to navigate toxic relationships or poisonous behaviors:

1. Have clear vision. Have an awareness that hurting people really do  hurt people. Have empathy for that person. He has been deeply wounded somewhere along the way.

2. Chart your course. Put up appropriate and necessary boundaries. Don't accept blame--unless you really are responsible. Stop the rants, energy sucking, and the drama by removing yourself, "We can talk or be together when you can treat me with respect." 

3. State your perspective with confidence, "I don't see it that way..."

4. Adjust the rudder. Make choices. Know we can't change another but we can change ourselves. We can choose how much, how little, when, or where we see a person. If we choose to continue to be around and in relationship we must understand the behaviors will not go away until healing of past wounds takes place. 

How can we avoid participating in these poisonous behaviors?

We dig into the Word and then apply it. We learn some good conflict resolution skills where we can disagree agreeably. We are kind and firm in the midst of challenging moments. We accept correction from those we love and trust. We are accountable for our behavior. We pray. Ultimately, we seek to be more like Jesus and less like ourselves. 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, 

I reasoned like a child. 

When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 

1 Corinthians 13:11

I would love to hear your ideas regarding how to deal with difficult people or relationships. 

If you found this post helpful you may want to read the related articles: 

12 Dating Warning Signs to Share with Your Daughter

12 Dating Red Flags to Share with Your Son

10 Warning Signs to Heed when Dating

Annoyances, A Catalyst to Prayer

by,

Lori Wildenberg
Lori is now in the process of scheduling for the 2016-17 school year. Click here to contact her regarding your event or parent coaching/ consulting needs.

You can find Lori over at her personal website or at the 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting site. 


You can now find Lori and Becky's books over at  the 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Store. The proceeds go toward their parenting ministry. And you can find LOTS of other merchandise and gift items there as well! Thanks for your support. Click here to be transported over to the 1C13P Store!  (There are some pretty cool items at the store for Father's Day! Check it out.)

What a Transparent Parent Looks Like

We hear a lot these days about being transparent.

We mostly think of being real in terms of what that looks like in adult relationships and friendships.

But...being vulnerable, authentic, and open doesn't just apply to adult friendships. It can be implemented in our relationship with our kids, too.

Please hear me, I am not saying indiscriminately verbally vomit. With wisdom and discernment articulate what is appropriate to build connections with your kids.

Avoid saying,  "At least you are not wrestling with _______."  We don't need to enter into a competitive game of,  "Who Has It Worse".  Or give a false perfection impression, "I never struggled with that because I did this." Those comments are communication stoppers. and relationship killers. 

If your child is distressed over with something, this is the time to get real and share one of your struggles at that age. (Give the cliff notes version.) "I understand. I struggled with ________ . " This empathetic statement is a communication mover and a relationship bloomer.

Empathy in a relationship draws people together. Transparency creates a safe place to share. We want to be that safe place for our kids. We want our child to feel as if mom or dad gets it. This creates an atmosphere of trust and understanding. 

Empathy normalizes adversity. The child feels less alone in his pain. 

Sympathy separates people. It halts the exchange between individuals.  Sympathy sounds like, "I'm sorry you feel bad." The problem is then solely owned by one person. Sometimes sympathy discounts feelings by assigning value,  "It sound bad but really, it's not THAT big of a deal." Or it dismisses the uncomfortable emotions altogether, "That stinks but tomorrow's another day."

Typically sympathy moves into solution mode before the individual is ready. "To feel better you should do this next...."

If we begin with empathy, we build a trust-based relationship with our children. If we are not derailed by their pain, our kids know we can handle it so they will be more likely to come to us the next time they are hurting.

We hate to have our kids hurt. We want them happy. We are not good with sad.

But... we don't want our kids to be in a position to protect us from their struggles.

We don't want to them to think we cannot relate to their lives. We don't want them to feel unheard.

If we  dismiss, discount, or the opposite...rescue  our relationships will suffer and our kids will not experience the growth and stretching that comes from hard times. 

Connecting through difficulties cements relationships. 

We all  learn from the struggles. We mature. We take responsibility. We become creative  problem solvers. We develop perseverance. We gain compassion. We practice conflict responsibility.

Appropriate parental transparency allows kids the freedom to express themselves without shame so they are able to own their issues and-- with God's help and perhaps with ours-- figure out how to resolve them. 

After empathy (spurred on by transparency)  has occurred, we can go to the next step and empower our kids to move forward toward the solution by asking permission to chime in, "Would you like some help?" or "I have complete confidence in your ability to deal with this. If you need me, I'm here."

Transparency, vulnerability, and openness bring the fruit of grace and humility into a family.

Grace plus humility creates a  Home Sweet Home. 

My people will live in peaceful dwelling places,

    in secure homes,

    in undisturbed places of rest.
Isaiah 32:18

With faith, hope, and love,

Lori Wildenberg

Co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, co-author of three parenting books.  Contact Lori for your next speaking engagement.

If you found this post helpful check out Lori's co-authored books:
Raising Little Kids with Big Love ( toddler to 9) and Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love 
( tween to young adult).

How Personal Idols Create Family Conflict

Friends,

I have a treat for you. We are going to start off 2016 with a little house cleaning. Guest blogger, Julie Neils, helps us identify our idols and then get rid of them. Julie honestly shares her idols and challenges herself and us (her readers) to take a close look at what we worship. 

~Lori

Idols in Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any household. There are seven members in our family so there are lots of daily skirmishes and a few big battles too. No matter what the fight is over, it’s never fun.

I’ve been digging a bit deeper on resolving conflict biblically. I ran across James 4:1-3:  

“What causes fights among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something, but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

The hard truth is that the desires James speaks of — even the good ones — often become the controlling and dominant force in our lives. Once they’ve been elevated to the place God should hold, they become idols. That’s when we start pressuring those around us to bow before them as well. Hence, the origins of conflict.      

So I started thinking about mine and how they contribute to the conflict within my soul before conflict with those around me is even born.

 Like when I get upset with my 3-year old because she embarrasses me by throwing a fit in the grocery store. No parent wants to deal with a temper tantrum in front of a million people and most want to be conscientious and thorough.  If I’m really honest, though, sometimes I’m really angry because I want others to think I’m a great mom. My little one’s temper tantrum just doesn’t fit into that.  

I worship my idol of good parenting. 

Then there’s my shameful impatience with my 12-year old in the midst of her ongoing struggle with math.  We all want our kids to excel in school, but the truth is I get angry because I want my friends to think I’m a good homeschooling mom. My child’s slow progress with math just doesn’t promote that image. 

I worship my idol of good homeschooling.

I hate to admit it, but my anger at my husband for a laundry list of things that often encompasses him not doing laundry or other things isn’t just typical marital frustration. Every wife wants help around the house (And for the record, my husband does!), but often I desire an unrealistic, Pinterest-perfect house. 

I worship my idol of good housekeeping.  

The ugly truth is that what I’ve often valued and worshiped most is myself. 

My idols — good parenting, good homeschooling, and good housekeeping — are often born of and built to my own pride.

In and of themselves, none of are bad, but they were desperately out of order in my life.

The great preacher Charles Spurgeon once said of the Old Testament graven images, “False gods patiently endure the existence of other false gods. Dagon can stand with Bel, and Bel with Ashtoreth; how should stone, and wood, and silver be moved to indignation; but because God is the only living and true God, Dagon must fall before His ark; Bel must be broken, and Ashtoreth must be consumed with fire.”

Only one God stands alone.

The rest must bow at His feet.

The truth is painful, though sweet in the end. Transformation is often gradual, but ultimately worth it. God is in the process of reordering my life — putting my desires in their appropriate place rather than giving and demanding servitude to them.

Conflicts still arise around our house and to some degree, always will. We are individuals and a family in progress and the stretching and the growing is good. May God, who stands alone, take His rightful place in our house and most importantly, in our hearts, as we do.    

Julie Neils is passionate about living a real life in a fabricated world. It's what gets her up out of bed in the morning. That and five kiddos under the age of twelve who need to be homeschooled. She’s addicted to coffee because she used to live in Panama where great coffee is grown. She's also a regular contributing writer at Ungrind.org, a webzine to encourage women. She was the Media Manager for Focus on the Family and has spent more than fifteen years advising ministry leaders, policy makers and authors on relevant, out-of-the-box communications strategies. She and her husband live in the Rocky Mountains. You can read more of her writing here: http://ungrind.org/author/julie-neils/.