4 Ways to Navigate Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships.

I've had a few. Have you?

It brings to mind the saying, "Hurting people, hurt people." 

I try to recall this when poisonous behaviors enter my world. 

Grace, yes  I can give that. 

But... how do I avoid being personally affected? To be honest--that's a challenge. I am a people-pleaser. I don't like conflict. I like people to like me. 

The Lord has placed me in God-Pleaser Bootcamp so I can recover from my people-pleaser tenancies. (I have not yet graduated. I've been in training quite awhile.)  

He's teaching me to discern between personal correction and issues that actually belong to another's personal struggle. 

I'm learning toxic relationships create feelings of insecurity, fear, and stress. These relationships can become enmeshed and co-dependent. I don't want them for myself or for my kids.

First I need to identify the behaviors. Next, I need to resolve not to use them. Then I need to know how to respond to them,

Here are ten behaviors and patterns God has been revealing to me. And these are not just other people's issues. They can be common to all of us, common to me. Looking over the list, I confess I have tried on a few of these hats over the years. Thankfully, I have a husband who loves me enough to call me on it.:

1. Mr. Right or Mrs. Right. Never wrong. The blamer. Denies he said or did things he did do. The receiver of this behavior experiences feelings of  low self-worth and confusion. 

2. Stone-cold : Withholds affection and emotion. Ignores. Avoids. Gives the silent treatment. Refuses to have eye contact. The recipient becomes insecure.

3. Energy-Guzzler: Sucks the life right out of the other person. It's all about him or her all the time. Dominates the conversation. Feelings of anxiety prior to seeing this individual result. 

4. Circus Wheel: Mood swings. One minute things are wonderful, the next the worst of the worst. The unpredictability creates a walking on egg shells environment. 

5. The Intimidator. A tantrum thrower, foot stomper, door slammer. This is manipulation to gain control by using anger and bully tactics. This creates a fight or flight scenario.

6. A People-Pitter. Someone who subtly divides people with seemingly innocuous statements in order to maintain power and control in relationships. "I think she might be bi-polar..." 

7. The Victim: Uses guilt and blame to get what they want. Some even create a spiritual twist to it by blaming natural consequences they are experiencing as, "It's the devil's doing or this is a spiritual attack." This individual may even say, "I need to be protected from..." 

8. Cruella-Deville: This person rejoices in another's pain and suffering. "Good.. they deserved that." She smirks with delight when she hears of another person's difficulty or misfortune. 

9. Drama Addict: This person loves a fight. She needs to be in a conflict to get attention and to rally others around her. (similar to the people-pitter) 

10. Image-bearer:This person is very charismatic and unable to share the lime-light. He wants to be viewed as perfect and as the hero. Adoration fuels this fire and he cannot accept any form of criticism or correction because that bursts his own  perfection illusion.

So how do we, how do our kids, navigate life when these behaviors or personalities intersect ours? 

Here are 4 ways to navigate toxic relationships or poisonous behaviors:

1. Have clear vision. Have an awareness that hurting people really do  hurt people. Have empathy for that person. He has been deeply wounded somewhere along the way.

2. Chart your course. Put up appropriate and necessary boundaries. Don't accept blame--unless you really are responsible. Stop the rants, energy sucking, and the drama by removing yourself, "We can talk or be together when you can treat me with respect." 

3. State your perspective with confidence, "I don't see it that way..."

4. Adjust the rudder. Make choices. Know we can't change another but we can change ourselves. We can choose how much, how little, when, or where we see a person. If we choose to continue to be around and in relationship we must understand the behaviors will not go away until healing of past wounds takes place. 

How can we avoid participating in these poisonous behaviors?

We dig into the Word and then apply it. We learn some good conflict resolution skills where we can disagree agreeably. We are kind and firm in the midst of challenging moments. We accept correction from those we love and trust. We are accountable for our behavior. We pray. Ultimately, we seek to be more like Jesus and less like ourselves. 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, 

I reasoned like a child. 

When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 

1 Corinthians 13:11

I would love to hear your ideas regarding how to deal with difficult people or relationships. 

If you found this post helpful you may want to read the related articles: 

12 Dating Warning Signs to Share with Your Daughter

12 Dating Red Flags to Share with Your Son

10 Warning Signs to Heed when Dating

Annoyances, A Catalyst to Prayer

by,

Lori Wildenberg
Lori is now in the process of scheduling for the 2016-17 school year. Click here to contact her regarding your event or parent coaching/ consulting needs.

You can find Lori over at her personal website or at the 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting site. 


You can now find Lori and Becky's books over at  the 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Store. The proceeds go toward their parenting ministry. And you can find LOTS of other merchandise and gift items there as well! Thanks for your support. Click here to be transported over to the 1C13P Store!  (There are some pretty cool items at the store for Father's Day! Check it out.)

A Real Mom's Question

I recently got a question from a mom who was in a bit of a pickle. (You may have had a similar sticky situation.)

 You know the issue...two different parenting styles that crash head-on into each other.

Here's the dilemma...

The mom was going to be entertaining company for the weekend. All four parents had agreed to have the kiddos keep the devices off. (A bold move in today's media driven culture.)

Then... you guessed it... the guest parent couldn't take the heat. She changed her mind when her child complained.

So awkward. Don't you hate it when stuff like that happens?

The scene could be played out one of these three ways--and all of the options have a downside.

1. Give the WiFi code to the guest but then the hosts' kids feel like it's unfair.

2. Change the rules to fit the guest for all the kids.

3. Don't give out the WiFi code. 

No matter which option you go with, someone is defiantly going to be unhappy. 

The old school version of this problem is, "Can we watch TV when we have company?"

The hostess and her husband chose option number three. No WiFi for anyone.

So the question is, how can option number three be presented in the most diplomatic, palatable, non-pickle juice spilling way? 

I suggested they focus on the relationship rather than the no to the WiFi rule.

"We are going to be having so much fun being together and playing family games that there isn't room for the internet.We are so happy you are here!"

Then...quickly (faster than a speeding bullet or a dripping pickle )involve the kids in a game or planning the evening activities. 

The key is to involve the kids immediately. Distract them from the no and engage them in good old fashioned family-friend fun time. 

Present your plan in a positive, friendly way.

Hopefully once the fun begins, it won't be a problem. 

How would you handle a similar situation? I would love to hear.

And...I would love to hear how this weekend panned out. If I find out, I'll share it with you! 

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

by,

Lori Wildenberg

mom of four, wife to Tom

co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting and co-author of three parenting books. Contact Lori for your next event.

Raising Little Kids with Big Love (Wildenberg & Danielson) 

Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love(Wildenberg & Danielson) 

How Personal Idols Create Family Conflict

Friends,

I have a treat for you. We are going to start off 2016 with a little house cleaning. Guest blogger, Julie Neils, helps us identify our idols and then get rid of them. Julie honestly shares her idols and challenges herself and us (her readers) to take a close look at what we worship. 

~Lori

Idols in Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any household. There are seven members in our family so there are lots of daily skirmishes and a few big battles too. No matter what the fight is over, it’s never fun.

I’ve been digging a bit deeper on resolving conflict biblically. I ran across James 4:1-3:  

“What causes fights among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something, but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

The hard truth is that the desires James speaks of — even the good ones — often become the controlling and dominant force in our lives. Once they’ve been elevated to the place God should hold, they become idols. That’s when we start pressuring those around us to bow before them as well. Hence, the origins of conflict.      

So I started thinking about mine and how they contribute to the conflict within my soul before conflict with those around me is even born.

 Like when I get upset with my 3-year old because she embarrasses me by throwing a fit in the grocery store. No parent wants to deal with a temper tantrum in front of a million people and most want to be conscientious and thorough.  If I’m really honest, though, sometimes I’m really angry because I want others to think I’m a great mom. My little one’s temper tantrum just doesn’t fit into that.  

I worship my idol of good parenting. 

Then there’s my shameful impatience with my 12-year old in the midst of her ongoing struggle with math.  We all want our kids to excel in school, but the truth is I get angry because I want my friends to think I’m a good homeschooling mom. My child’s slow progress with math just doesn’t promote that image. 

I worship my idol of good homeschooling.

I hate to admit it, but my anger at my husband for a laundry list of things that often encompasses him not doing laundry or other things isn’t just typical marital frustration. Every wife wants help around the house (And for the record, my husband does!), but often I desire an unrealistic, Pinterest-perfect house. 

I worship my idol of good housekeeping.  

The ugly truth is that what I’ve often valued and worshiped most is myself. 

My idols — good parenting, good homeschooling, and good housekeeping — are often born of and built to my own pride.

In and of themselves, none of are bad, but they were desperately out of order in my life.

The great preacher Charles Spurgeon once said of the Old Testament graven images, “False gods patiently endure the existence of other false gods. Dagon can stand with Bel, and Bel with Ashtoreth; how should stone, and wood, and silver be moved to indignation; but because God is the only living and true God, Dagon must fall before His ark; Bel must be broken, and Ashtoreth must be consumed with fire.”

Only one God stands alone.

The rest must bow at His feet.

The truth is painful, though sweet in the end. Transformation is often gradual, but ultimately worth it. God is in the process of reordering my life — putting my desires in their appropriate place rather than giving and demanding servitude to them.

Conflicts still arise around our house and to some degree, always will. We are individuals and a family in progress and the stretching and the growing is good. May God, who stands alone, take His rightful place in our house and most importantly, in our hearts, as we do.    

Julie Neils is passionate about living a real life in a fabricated world. It's what gets her up out of bed in the morning. That and five kiddos under the age of twelve who need to be homeschooled. She’s addicted to coffee because she used to live in Panama where great coffee is grown. She's also a regular contributing writer at Ungrind.org, a webzine to encourage women. She was the Media Manager for Focus on the Family and has spent more than fifteen years advising ministry leaders, policy makers and authors on relevant, out-of-the-box communications strategies. She and her husband live in the Rocky Mountains. You can read more of her writing here: http://ungrind.org/author/julie-neils/.

A Hurting Parent's Prayer

Exhaustion. 

It's part of the parenting experience. Little ones challenge us physically and emotionally.

And... older kids stretch us  physiologically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

Neither stage is perfectly smooth or easy. 

 But... God is faithful in the strife and struggle. 

Even though there are times it doesn't feel like it, he has perfectly chosen and equipped you and me to be our child's parent.

Many parents of tweens, teens, and young adults are perplexed by the issues their kids are facing or by things in which they  choose to participate. ( I have had my share of surprises. ) 

It is puzzling, when your formerly obedient child begins to change the rules and do the unexpected. 

It is during the challenges, the unexpected situations, and in the pain that I have prayed a prayer I crafted from Psalm 118.

I have shared this with many hurting moms and dads in my parenting courses. 

For me, God has used this psalm to bring  me out of the pit and back to the battle; a battle fought on my knees spurred on by hope.

If you are in the muck of disappointment, the mire of despair, or the pit of depression due to your young person's choices, I know this prayer will encourage and empower you to move forward and trust God.  

At first, just to get out of bed, I would repeat, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."  That worked for a bit. Then honestly, I felt— annoyed. 

Until... God moved me to read Psalm 118 in its entirety. 

Check it out! David isn't  having a worship and praise fest. He is smack dab in the middle of a battle. A fight that looks mighty bleak! 

Yet he  preemptively praises. 

No matter the bleak circumstances, he expects deliverance.

Against all odds he counts on a victory.

He prays this while he is surrounded  by his enemies.  

Okay, now this is a psalm that speaks to  my heart.  This is a psalm I can relate to. This is a psalm I can pray. 

David, the psalmist, speaks my struggle and...knows my God! 

Psalm 118 

Lord God, I give you thanks God, you are good and your loves endures forever for me and (insert your child's name). Let my whole family say , your love endures forever. You know I am in anguish, I am crying out to you, Lord. Answer me, set me free, set my child free. I know you are with me. I know you are with my child. I will not be afraid! You are my helper. I will look in triumph at (insert the issue here). I take refuge in you. I trust you. I am surrounded on every side. My child is surrounded on every side. But you will cut  (the concern) off. I have been pushed back, about to fall but you Lord are my strength, my song, my salvation. You have done and will do mighty things! I will NOT die, my child will not die. I will proclaim what you have done!  I will give you thanks. This is the day you have made and I will give thanks and be glad in it. Save my child. Shine your light upon this family. I give you thanks. Your love endures forever.  Amen

Rather than wringing our hands, let's fold them. And.. let's not forget, we (and our young person) are loved by our good and great God. We can't make him love us (or our kiddo) any less or any more by the things we do or don't do. 

I  pray this helps you, if you are in a difficult spot with your child or young adult. Hang in there. God is with you. He tells us he is! 

I'd love to hear a prayer you pray when you are in a hard parenting place.  

Lori Wildenberg

Co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, co-author of three parenting books.  Contact Lori for your next speaking engagement.

By,

Join Lori, Becky, and the the 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting team in Mpls, Nov. 14 for the HeartCORe Conference. Click here for more information.   

If you are the parent of a tween to young adult and found this post helpful, head over to Amazon and get Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love. 

http://www.1Corinthisan13Parenting.com