Quit Asking Your Kids These 7 Questions

We want to be a part of our kids' lives. We strive to help them be the best they can be. We wish they would be more cooperative. We desire to raise honest children. We hope to have strong family ties that last a lifetime. 

In our quest to encourage honesty, cooperation, and a family spirit we often ask our kids questions. But many times, our questions produce the opposite result. 

Here are 7 questions to quit asking your kids.

1. How was school?
    If we want to get into our kids' world, asking a question like this won't help.  It can easily be answered in one word: Fine, Good. OK. Instead ask more specific questions like, "Who did you sit next to at lunch?" "What was the best part of your day?" " What was the worst part of your day?"     Include modeling how to converse about the day by sharing your day with your child. As your child matures he will be able to start a conversation with you or others by using this technique. An extroverted kid is ready to talk right away. The introverted child will need some time alone and to be quiet before sharing about his day.

2. Will you________? 
     We think we are being polite and nice when we preface what we want with a question. The problem is when posing a question the child has an option to say no. If there is an expectation that a job must be completed and there is really no choice in the matter, don't ask-- state. Instead of saying, "Will you clear the dishes from the table?" say, "Hudson, after dinner and before screen time, please clear the dishes from the table."

3. Do you want to______?
     This question is closely related to, "Will you_____?" Will you refers to an action. Do you want to is linked to an emotion or preference. Sometimes feeling don't matter. There are times we do things even when we don't want to. "Do you want to pick up Fido's poop in the backyard?" Who would say yes to that? Don't ask --state. You could give a choice where either outcome is OK with you. For instance, "Do you want to clean up the yard on Saturday or Sunday?"

4. What part of NO don't you understand?
     Sarcasm is a toxic verbal weapon. Avoid it at all costs. Say what you mean. Be clear and concise. Sarcasm is condescending, shaming, and dismissive. And..it will come right back at ya' as your kids mature. Most families value kindness and respect. Restate your frustration more honestly. "I feel frustrated when _______." "I can see you really want to do this, let's figure out a plan that will work for both of us." "Why do you think I said no to this idea?" Get your kids thinking. Encourage respect and kindness. Jettison the sarcasm.

5. Who did this?
     We ask this question ALL. THE. TIME.Why do we inquire when we know who the culprit is? Do we think it will encourage honesty or responsibility? It doesn't. It does the opposite. The littles think, "If she doesn't know who spilled the milk, I'm sure not going to tell her." Older kids remain quiet to see how this will play out. Instead state the obvious," I see the milk has spilled. It needs to be cleaned up. I can help you clean it up." or "I see the car has a new dent in it. The dent needs to be fixed. Let's figure out a plan to take care of that." By doing this responsibility is encouraged and we haven't put our kids in the very tempting position to tell a lie. Then while helping them with the spill or the the dent, a conversation can occur on how it happened and the best action to take going forward.

6. Why did you__________?
     Kids and their actions can be baffling. Often we just want to get inside their head and understand  their motivation. Or... perhaps we want to drive the, "I told you so" point home. Those are the moments we tend to fall back on the "Why's". However the why question comes too late. It is always after the fact. Help your kids learn from their mistakes. Ask,  "What will you do differently the next time?" Train don't shame.

7. Why aren't you more like________? 
     Theodore Roosevelt's famous quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy" is true. Today more than ever our kids are comparing themselves to others; to siblings and to peers. Social media can be the catalyst for insecurity and discontent. We do not need to add to that. Treat each child as an individual with unique strengths and weaknesses. Build sibling relationships rather than bust them with comparison.

To increase cooperation, family unity, and individual honesty and responsibility avoid these 7 commonly asked questions. Set a loving tone in your home by speaking with respect and demonstrating kindness.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, 
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.
Head over to Amazon  to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  for more parenting tips and strategies.

4 Ways to Get Your Child to Listen

Walking through the toy section of a department store, I (Lori) noticed a mom with her around three-year-old son. He was dutifully walking right next to her as she was pushing the shopping cart.

“Ahhh, he is doing so well,” I thought to myself. He was not whining or even attempting to escape.

His mom broke the peaceful mood and saying, “Don’t even think about climbing on those shelves.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and grimaced. I knew what was coming next. (I’m guessing you do too.) Yes, just like a little monkey, he made his way to the top in no time flat; leaving his mom clamoring after him, frustrated and ready to erupt.

How can I get my child to listen?

This is the all-time most frequently asked question Becky and I get in our parenting classes and seminars.

Let’s begin by reframing the question.

The question isn’t, “Why doesn’t my child listen?” The question is, “Why doesn’t he cooperate?”

Usually a lack of cooperation results because the parent states the expected behavior in the wrong fashion.

Think back to the example of the mom and her boy. When she said, “Don’t even think about climbing on the shelves.” What did you picture in your mind’s eye? If you’re like most of us you pictured that little rascal scrambling up the shelves like a jungle gym.

Knowing this, what do you think a preschooler may envision?

Yep! The same thing.

Youngsters are not mentally sophisticated. They act on what they visualize. Kids don’t picture the “Don’t” they see the action, “Climb on the shelves.”

So what is a parent to do? Simply, don’t say don’t.

Generally speaking most children want to please their parents. Rarely do they deliberately set out to make Mom or Dad angry. (Of course there are a few little stinkers that can’t help themselves, just because getting bigger people to exhibit big emotion feels pretty powerful and exciting.)

So here are 4 tips my co-author,  Becky Danielson, and I recommend when it comes to getting your child to listen ( or to cooperate).

·        State your expectations in the positive. In the case above, the mother could have said, “Hold on to the cart.” My educated guess is the child would have complied.

·        Use a statement not a question. “Can you hold onto the cart?” gives the child to option of yay or nay.

·        Avoid reminding the child of behavior you’d like to extinguish. I believe the mom above made the statement, “Don’t even think about climbing on those shelves” due to intimate knowledge that she has a little climber.

·        Be proactive using past knowledge. You know your child and the things that tempt him. Be proactive by stating the desired behavior rather than the action you want to extinguish. “Hang onto the cart.”

Not saying don’t is hard. “Don’t…” just automatically rolls off the tongue, like a reflex. Enlist your spouse’s assistance. If one slips up and speaks the don’t out of shear habit, get the other’s permission to quickly restate the expectation in the do form. This takes some practice and quick thinking but when parents help each other out, the don’t habit can be broken. Then you will have a child that “listens” better!

Let the wise listen and add to their learning. Proverbs 1:5a

If this post was a blessing to you, you can find more practical, easily applicable, and faith-based tips, encouragement, and information in our 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting series: Raising Little Kids with Big Love and the soon-to-be released Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love. Click here for Amazon or B&N 

With faith, hope, and love, 

Lori

Lori & Becky are authors of 3 parenting books, licensed parent and family educators, and co-founders of 1 Corinthians13 Parenting.