7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's Almost Adult Phase

Have big sighs and rolling eyes entered your home? You must be the parent of a tween or teen.

First off, let's just get this fact out of the way...

Mom, Dad, you are no longer cool. Even if you once were, you have officially lost your mojo and it is your teen's mission to let you know it.

Those big sighs and rolling eyes are a sign of something important. They are an indicator of the generation gap and the parenting shift.

Our teens live under our roof yet we do not live in their world.
Our lives intersect but we do not live the same life as our children.

One of the most eye opening experiences that best illustrates our kids' world is taking an opportunity to walk through the halls of a middle school or high school during passing period. When we have a chance to observe the interactions and movement between classes it becomes clear our kiddos have a lot to navigate.

We are no longer parents of young children who walk in a straight line down the school corridor but instead parents of young adults who need to weave in and out in order to get to their destination.

Our younger kids state, "I'm not a baby anymore." Our older kids declare, "I'm almost an adult."

These proclamations give moms and dads a heads up. It is time adjust and do a parenting shift.

No matter the age or stage, most moms and dads want to maintain respect in the home. Here are 7 ways to impact your teen's almost adult phase, while keeping respect intact.

R  Respect. Expect respect. My friend counselor Lucille Zimmerman reminded me of  Dr. Phil's Life Law #8 . "We teach people how to treat us." If we want respect to reign in our home we start with us. Talk and act with respect. Then we train by expecting respect from others,"I treat you with respect. I expect respect in return."  

E Empathy. Our kids need to know that we fully understand feelings of  disappointment and discouragement. Do a lot of listening when your young person comes to you. Be humble enough to admit you too have experienced pain. The more they feel heard and understood the more they will seek out your ear. When they are ready to open up be sure you are available.

S Self-Control. With all the emotional upheaval in the teen years self-control can seem out of reach. But self-control is a learned behavior. Help your tweens and teens learn how to self-regulate by operating out of their logic not emotions. Use words like: ponder, consider, think, evaluate, reassess. Focus less on the feelings aspect (they have that down pretty well already). Once our kids can make decisions based on logic rather than feeling they are less likely to engage in behavior they will regret later. (Click here for more information on conscience development)

P Persevere. The hang-in-there-muscle is developed by repeatedly and patiently working through  problems. Admittedly it is  hard for moms and dads to sit by and watch a child struggle yet that is the best way to actually empower your kiddo. Avoid the temptation to rescue your teen. Support, coach, consult, and encourage but don't save the day. The day belongs to the child and he ought to be one to claim the victory. (Click here to read 10 Ways to Avoid Enabling. Empower Your Child Instead.)

E Empower. Empower your young adult with these biblical messages: You are capable (Philippians 4:13), You are loved (John 3:16). You are equipped (2 Timothy 3:16-17).  You are created for a purpose (Psalm 138:8). (Click here to read 15 Empowering Messages to Give Your Kids )

C Consult. Of course there are times the parent of a teen will revert back to the roles of controller (rule setter) or chum (best buddy) but mostly in the teen years, parents must make the shift to the coach (encourager and guide) and  the consultant (trusted adviser). We want to provide godly influence while we cheer our kids on to think for themselves. (See below for more information on parenting roles)

T Time. As hard as our kids push away from us and attempt to shut down communication, what they really need from us is time. Be a student of your young adult. Discover who he is today. What are his likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests? Who does he like to hang out with and why. What music does he like? What is his favorite fast food restaurant? Let him teach you something. Enjoy being together. Build your relationship so it lasts a lifetime. (The Secret to Parenting Well)

The other day I was talking with some parent coaching clients about the roles of moms and dads. The dad articulated the parenting shift perfectly. He said,"Once you think you really have this parenting thing down then something changes and you have to learn a new way." Yep. Parenting and the parent-child relationship is fluid never static-- ever changing  and hopefully... everlasting.

Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. Proverbs 21:21

If you liked this post, you may also find 3 Parenting Pitfalls that Prevent Successful Adulting helpful. 

If this post was helpful and you want more information on the 6 Parenting Styles head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of  Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.

Quit Asking Your Kids These 7 Questions

We want to be a part of our kids' lives. We strive to help them be the best they can be. We wish they would be more cooperative. We desire to raise honest children. We hope to have strong family ties that last a lifetime. 

In our quest to encourage honesty, cooperation, and a family spirit we often ask our kids questions. But many times, our questions produce the opposite result. 

Here are 7 questions to quit asking your kids.

1. How was school?
    If we want to get into our kids' world, asking a question like this won't help.  It can easily be answered in one word: Fine, Good. OK. Instead ask more specific questions like, "Who did you sit next to at lunch?" "What was the best part of your day?" " What was the worst part of your day?"     Include modeling how to converse about the day by sharing your day with your child. As your child matures he will be able to start a conversation with you or others by using this technique. An extroverted kid is ready to talk right away. The introverted child will need some time alone and to be quiet before sharing about his day.

2. Will you________? 
     We think we are being polite and nice when we preface what we want with a question. The problem is when posing a question the child has an option to say no. If there is an expectation that a job must be completed and there is really no choice in the matter, don't ask-- state. Instead of saying, "Will you clear the dishes from the table?" say, "Hudson, after dinner and before screen time, please clear the dishes from the table."

3. Do you want to______?
     This question is closely related to, "Will you_____?" Will you refers to an action. Do you want to is linked to an emotion or preference. Sometimes feeling don't matter. There are times we do things even when we don't want to. "Do you want to pick up Fido's poop in the backyard?" Who would say yes to that? Don't ask --state. You could give a choice where either outcome is OK with you. For instance, "Do you want to clean up the yard on Saturday or Sunday?"

4. What part of NO don't you understand?
     Sarcasm is a toxic verbal weapon. Avoid it at all costs. Say what you mean. Be clear and concise. Sarcasm is condescending, shaming, and dismissive. And..it will come right back at ya' as your kids mature. Most families value kindness and respect. Restate your frustration more honestly. "I feel frustrated when _______." "I can see you really want to do this, let's figure out a plan that will work for both of us." "Why do you think I said no to this idea?" Get your kids thinking. Encourage respect and kindness. Jettison the sarcasm.

5. Who did this?
     We ask this question ALL. THE. TIME.Why do we inquire when we know who the culprit is? Do we think it will encourage honesty or responsibility? It doesn't. It does the opposite. The littles think, "If she doesn't know who spilled the milk, I'm sure not going to tell her." Older kids remain quiet to see how this will play out. Instead state the obvious," I see the milk has spilled. It needs to be cleaned up. I can help you clean it up." or "I see the car has a new dent in it. The dent needs to be fixed. Let's figure out a plan to take care of that." By doing this responsibility is encouraged and we haven't put our kids in the very tempting position to tell a lie. Then while helping them with the spill or the the dent, a conversation can occur on how it happened and the best action to take going forward.

6. Why did you__________?
     Kids and their actions can be baffling. Often we just want to get inside their head and understand  their motivation. Or... perhaps we want to drive the, "I told you so" point home. Those are the moments we tend to fall back on the "Why's". However the why question comes too late. It is always after the fact. Help your kids learn from their mistakes. Ask,  "What will you do differently the next time?" Train don't shame.

7. Why aren't you more like________? 
     Theodore Roosevelt's famous quote, "Comparison is the thief of joy" is true. Today more than ever our kids are comparing themselves to others; to siblings and to peers. Social media can be the catalyst for insecurity and discontent. We do not need to add to that. Treat each child as an individual with unique strengths and weaknesses. Build sibling relationships rather than bust them with comparison.

To increase cooperation, family unity, and individual honesty and responsibility avoid these 7 commonly asked questions. Set a loving tone in your home by speaking with respect and demonstrating kindness.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, 
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.
Head over to Amazon  to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  for more parenting tips and strategies.

Shut Down Back Talk

"Shut down," my four-year-old nephew would say. This was his way of getting around the family rule of not saying, "Shut up."

I guess he found a loop hole.

Doesn't shut down make more sense? Shut down is like: Stop, halt, quit.

As we move into midsummer, I 'll bet some of you are ready to shut down the back talk. Lots of kids, especially those ten and older, dish out some pretty sassy words.

So what is a parent to do?

Shut. It. Down.

Disrespect is not okay.

God commands us to honor our parents. Our kids won't know what honor, respect on steroids, looks like until they are taught about respect.

Are you weary from a lack of care, concern, and kindness in the world today? I know I am. It is up to us to train our kids to be respectful.

• Disrespect may look like a little one sticking out his tongue, the little kid version of the older kid's display of the middle finger.
• Disrespect in a younger child may sound like, "You're not the boss of me." In an older child, disrespect drips of condescension and sarcasm.
• Disrespect may be a lack of action like: not opening a door for a person with his hands full or not giving up a seat on a bus for an older person or a pregnant woman. 
• Disrespect comes in all shapes and sizes ranging from rolling eyes to big sighs, hands on hips to tongue clicks. 

We know it when we are the target. And we know it when we shoot those "dissing" arrows.

Here's the parent's line, "I treat you with respect, I expect respect in return." (Of course we can only say it if that's true.) "Stop. Restate your request respectfully."

Respect is a character quality that must be encouraged in order to be owned and developed. Parents need to model it and insist upon it. Respect values another person. It demonstrates love, humility, and concern.

If we bring respect back into the family, we will influence society in a big positive way. And, I don't know about you, but it sure would be nice to live in a world that remains respectful even when we don't see things eye-to-eye.

Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.
1 Peter 2:17

by,

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.
Head over to Amazon or to the 1Corinthians13Parenting store to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love. The proceeds from the 1C13P store go toward the 1Corinthians13Parenting ministry.

Honor, Respect on Steroids

If respect is love dressed in  jeans and a t-shirt then honor is love clothed in one’s Sunday best.

Respect is the ability to see other people as created in God’s image and of equal value at the foot of the cross.  Honor takes respect to a new level, it esteems another over oneself.

God commands His people to honor their parents. Since we all have parents, commandment number five applies to all without exception. (As do the other nine.) The age of the person, young or old, and his or her position does not affect God’s moral law. 

Honoring parents is basic to all other social relationships and foundational to a successful society. Honoring mothers and fathers is the first command God gives that has a promise attached to it. 

The respect a young child is to give parents is the beginning of learning how to respect God. It’s up to us, moms and dads, to teach our kids the concept of honor in the family. 

Sometimes honor and obedience get confused. Obedience is an act of the will, while honor is an attitude. This attitude is not dependent on merit but on position or rank. 

Honor is a radical thought in today’s culture. Blame and fault-finding are more typical than the notion of honor, especially as it relates to parents. 

Honor, like grace, is unmerited favor.

“When my middle son borrows my car he is sure to return it with the same amount of gas it had in it when he borrowed it. I appreciate that. When my younger son borrows my car he fills the tank. That pleases me. When my eldest son uses my car, he fills the tank and gets the car washed. I feel really honored and esteemed.”  

All three boys demonstrate appreciation and respect for their dad when returning the vehicle but one went way above and beyond what was expected.

Modeling  is one  ways in which to train kids what honor looks like Talking about and to your child’s grandparents with respect, spending time with them on things they enjoy, and helping out with their household tasks.  

Verbalizing honoring acts and attitudes helps to drive the point home. ”I wanted to honor my mom today so I am going to help her with some jobs around her house.”

One way to train your children the concept of honor is to discuss what that looks like in the kitchen. Respect may be clearing the table. Honor ups the ante: loading the dishwasher, washing the pots and pans, and wiping down the counter tops, all without being asked.

Honor in the bathroom may look like replacing the empty toilet roll, wiping up water on the counter, and folding the hand towel.

Honor is respect on steroids.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 

“Honor your father and mother”

—which is the first commandment with a promise— 

“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”  

Ephesian 6:1-3 

I'd love to hear your ideas on how to train your kids in the concept of honor.

If you liked this post you will LOVE reading Raising Little Kids with BIG Love  (toddler to nine) or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love (tween- young adult). Click on the titles to head over to amazon. 

With faith hope, and love,

Lori

Fighting Words

"You need to settle down." 

Oh boy... Fighting words.

I overheard a man (maybe a husband) say that to (I presume) his wife. I was going for a run and passed this poor soul while he was talking on his cell phone. As I cut through a parking lot, I heard him deliver his statement.

I wanted to stop, pull him aside, and give him a little advice: "Avoid the pairs of words, NEED TO and SETTLE DOWN." They were a double whammy to the recipient on the other end of the call.

I didn't. I chose to mind my own business. But I'm guessing the conversation escalated.

There are some high powered words that pack a one two punch, words to keep out of my vocabulary ...and yours (unless you are looking to climb into the ring) I have listed below:

Need to
Should have
Ought to
Why didn't
Told you

Settle down
Just relax
Chill out
Grow up

These pairs don't look too good in the parent-child or in the husband and wife  relationship. The first set is the, "You were wrong. I was right." These words are  said after the person who made the mistake or bad decision already knows this.

The other grouping basically says, "You are so emotional and immature."

Both  messages are condescending and unhelpful. These words generate strong emotions when spoken. The issue then becomes the angry or hurt feelings attached to the words rather than whatever the problem actually is.

Instead, stick to seeking a solution. With kids, rather than saying anything in section one (no matter how tempting) say, "How will you handle this differently next time?" In the case of the spouse, quiet is called for.

When another person becomes highly volatile instead of telling them to take it down a notch say, "I can see you are upset. How can I help?"

I want respect and love to reign in my home. So I must speak with love and respect and then I can expect the same in return.

Show proper respect to everyone. 

1 Peter 2:17

Happy Independence Day!

Theme: July Uniqueness
Verse:

 "Live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone." 1 Peter 2:16b-17a

Mom's Musing:
We celebrate Independence Day. Freedom! Americans believe freedom to be an inalienable right. Our children believe this too! Pushing and pulling for more freedom as they grow. I remember watching my daughter cross the street to a friend's house for the first time without  holding my hand. I recall giving her permission to ride her bike to the park without me by her side. The vision of her driving off to school alone is imprinted in my brain. We are to raise up our children to be independent from us to dependent on God.
Parenting Tip: Watch your child to observe when a shift from parental dependence to independence is needed.