5 New Steps for Parenting Teens

You have lived with your child for over a decade. Your family dynamics have a predictable rhythm.  Then .... suddenly your child is not dancing to the old familiar tune.

You keep trying the same moves but find you and your child are stepping on each other's toes.

W h a t   i s   g o i n g   o n ?

Well...the double digits have dialed in and we have discovered we need a new parenting dance. (And just when we could do our parenting moves blindfolded--those rascals change the steps.)

Here are  5 new steps for the parent-child dance in the tween and teen years.

1. Provide the guidelines but stay on the sidelines.
    Our kiddos still need guidance... and they need the opportunity to work things out within that structure. Allow them the opportunity to try, to fail, to succeed, to own the outcome. Be available to assist when asked. We want to get our kids thinking. We want them to make wise decisions when we are not with in ear shot. The only way that will happen is with some practice.

2. Have rubber-band limits.
    Limits can stretch and tighten depending on how your children respond. Rules on the other hand never change. Rules are consistent. They deal with values, morals, faith, safety, and legal issues. Limits adjust to the child's level of maturity. Limits can be stretched when trust has been demonstrated. More trust, more flexibility with the limits.

3. Allow for more freedom with increased responsibility.
    We want to raise responsible kids.We want kids who  are accountable for their actions and interactions. The only way responsibility is  encouraged is through increased freedom and ownership. The only way parents feel comfortable increasing freedom is when responsibility and trust are demonstrated. It all goes together. Talk with your child about where you can start allowing for more freedom and increased responsibility. They will most likely have a few ideas!

4. Morph from controller to consultant.
    Rather than managing the child's life--hand the reigns over (where appropriate) to the child and instead put on your consultant hat. All the good ideas a controller has, take those ideas and turn them into questions. "What is your plan?" "Would you like some help?" Get your child thinking and avoid micromanaging. The risk of continuing on in the controller mode is that the child will rebel or he may end up lacking confidence in his ability to do life.

5. Transition from chum to coach.
    The highly relational chum approach needs to let go a bit.  Encourage and support without horning in on everything. The potential danger of maintaining the chum approach is that eventually the child will come to resent the parent.


Our kids will let us know when a new dance is needed. "I'm not a baby." "I'm almost an adult." "I can do it myself." Listen for those cues.

Our kids will always want more freedom then we are ready to give and we always want more control or interaction than they need. Find the best dance for you and your child. Then...when your next kiddo enters the second decade, you will need to create a unique dance with and for him.

The parenting dance is fluid. We have no choice but to go with the flow of the child's grow. 

The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction.

Proverbs 16:21

Here are a few related posts you may enjoy:

7 Effective Ways to Respond to Your Teen

7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's almost Adult Phase

5 Things Teens Need to Know About Their Parents

If this post was helpful and you want more information on raising big kids head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of   Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg
Licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com,  co-author of 3 parenting books (with her 1st solo endeavor to be published in May 2017 Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home),  mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love), wife to Tom,  Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  MOMS Together community on Facebook. 

7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's Almost Adult Phase

Have big sighs and rolling eyes entered your home? You must be the parent of a tween or teen.

First off, let's just get this fact out of the way...

Mom, Dad, you are no longer cool. Even if you once were, you have officially lost your mojo and it is your teen's mission to let you know it.

Those big sighs and rolling eyes are a sign of something important. They are an indicator of the generation gap and the parenting shift.

Our teens live under our roof yet we do not live in their world.
Our lives intersect but we do not live the same life as our children.

One of the most eye opening experiences that best illustrates our kids' world is taking an opportunity to walk through the halls of a middle school or high school during passing period. When we have a chance to observe the interactions and movement between classes it becomes clear our kiddos have a lot to navigate.

We are no longer parents of young children who walk in a straight line down the school corridor but instead parents of young adults who need to weave in and out in order to get to their destination.

Our younger kids state, "I'm not a baby anymore." Our older kids declare, "I'm almost an adult."

These proclamations give moms and dads a heads up. It is time adjust and do a parenting shift.

No matter the age or stage, most moms and dads want to maintain respect in the home. Here are 7 ways to impact your teen's almost adult phase, while keeping respect intact.

R  Respect. Expect respect. My friend counselor Lucille Zimmerman reminded me of  Dr. Phil's Life Law #8 . "We teach people how to treat us." If we want respect to reign in our home we start with us. Talk and act with respect. Then we train by expecting respect from others,"I treat you with respect. I expect respect in return."  

E Empathy. Our kids need to know that we fully understand feelings of  disappointment and discouragement. Do a lot of listening when your young person comes to you. Be humble enough to admit you too have experienced pain. The more they feel heard and understood the more they will seek out your ear. When they are ready to open up be sure you are available.

S Self-Control. With all the emotional upheaval in the teen years self-control can seem out of reach. But self-control is a learned behavior. Help your tweens and teens learn how to self-regulate by operating out of their logic not emotions. Use words like: ponder, consider, think, evaluate, reassess. Focus less on the feelings aspect (they have that down pretty well already). Once our kids can make decisions based on logic rather than feeling they are less likely to engage in behavior they will regret later. (Click here for more information on conscience development)

P Persevere. The hang-in-there-muscle is developed by repeatedly and patiently working through  problems. Admittedly it is  hard for moms and dads to sit by and watch a child struggle yet that is the best way to actually empower your kiddo. Avoid the temptation to rescue your teen. Support, coach, consult, and encourage but don't save the day. The day belongs to the child and he ought to be one to claim the victory. (Click here to read 10 Ways to Avoid Enabling. Empower Your Child Instead.)

E Empower. Empower your young adult with these biblical messages: You are capable (Philippians 4:13), You are loved (John 3:16). You are equipped (2 Timothy 3:16-17).  You are created for a purpose (Psalm 138:8). (Click here to read 15 Empowering Messages to Give Your Kids )

C Consult. Of course there are times the parent of a teen will revert back to the roles of controller (rule setter) or chum (best buddy) but mostly in the teen years, parents must make the shift to the coach (encourager and guide) and  the consultant (trusted adviser). We want to provide godly influence while we cheer our kids on to think for themselves. (See below for more information on parenting roles)

T Time. As hard as our kids push away from us and attempt to shut down communication, what they really need from us is time. Be a student of your young adult. Discover who he is today. What are his likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests? Who does he like to hang out with and why. What music does he like? What is his favorite fast food restaurant? Let him teach you something. Enjoy being together. Build your relationship so it lasts a lifetime. (The Secret to Parenting Well)

The other day I was talking with some parent coaching clients about the roles of moms and dads. The dad articulated the parenting shift perfectly. He said,"Once you think you really have this parenting thing down then something changes and you have to learn a new way." Yep. Parenting and the parent-child relationship is fluid never static-- ever changing  and hopefully... everlasting.

Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. Proverbs 21:21

If you liked this post, you may also find 3 Parenting Pitfalls that Prevent Successful Adulting helpful. 

If this post was helpful and you want more information on the 6 Parenting Styles head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of  Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.

The Zappers

Theme for March: Rest. Rejuvenate. Recharge.
Verse:

"Someone touched me (Jesus); I know that power has gone out from me."

Luke 8:46

Mom's Musing:
Feeling zapped? Tweens and teens are emotional energy zappers. Remember the story of the bleeding woman who touched Jesus's cloak and he felt some power go out of him? Don't you feel like that sometimes? Hey..I can even feel like that from a look or an attitude.

Older kids can drain us. When children are little, physical exhaustion is the issue. Now the issues are the cause of emotional exhaustion. They must be dealt with in a timely fashion or they gnaw away at your energy supply. Also, self-care is very important as kids move through this phase. Rest, exercise, friendships, prayer, and God's Word help ease the burden of being a parent of a young adult. There have been mornings where I didn't want to face the day. I was looking at the storm instead at the one who can calm the sea. Burnout is certain if the child is the focus. As the teen spreads his wings, spread yours.

Parenting Tip: Don't stuff the problems, deal with them as they arise. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Seek support if you feel overwhelmed. Keep your focus on God to maintain perspective.  Give your burdens to him. Pray.