2 Triggers to Teen Attitude

Have you been left feeling befuddled following an exchange with your teen? You stand there in confusion as your teen rants and marches off? You wonder, "What happened here? How did this escalate to anger?" You reflect,"I didn't mean that. I didn't even say that." 

During the teen and young adult years, the young person's filter (brain) is not yet fully developed and their perspective is skewed by their insecurities.

Tone and topic appear to be the main triggers to teen attitude. These two triggers move our young person to an emotional response rather than a logical one. Leaving mom and dad confused by what just happened.

Tone.
How we say things matters. When we  present our concerns with a calm and kind approach, the conversation tends to work out a bit better. If we come to our kids in a highly emotionally state, we will get the same reaction back--only multiplied. We will have activated our young person's fight or flight mode. And by doing this we will not be able to work through the conflict or concern we have just presented.

Topic.
Some of the topics we need to discuss with our kids are also their personal "hot spots" ...our kids' catalyst for combat. We can't get around this but we can find a way that creates a less toxic reaction. By approaching our concerns in a way that gets the child to think and problem solve we will find we have more success.

• State your observation: "I noticed your math homework was left on the counter when you went to school." Just the facts. 

• Avoid editorializing,"You forgot your math homework on the counter again."  Your child will hear this, "You are so forgetful. You never remember anything."  

• Verbalize your concern,"I'm concerned this will affect your grade."

• Ask a question, "What do you think a good solution might be? Would you like my help?" 

If we can do these 4 things we will avoid most (not all) of those moments that generate accusations and misunderstanding. We want the exchange to move to a problem that needs to be solved not a kid who needs to be fixed. It is less personal. The child feels his parent is there to support and encourage him.

Our kids walk around with a belief about themselves, "I'm stupid. I'm fat. I'm forgetful" We want to alter this type of negative self-talk and change their perspective.By maintaining a calm and kind tone we reduce stirring that emotional teen angst. When stating just the facts our kids are better able to deal with the concern using logic rather than emotion.

Pay attention to the topics that set your young person off. You will gain insight into their personal belief about themselves. Or a belief about what they think you believe about them. If you do this, you will be better equipped to talk with your child in a way that doesn't reinforce his false personal narrative about himself or about you.

There are times when dealing with a teen we parents feel as if  we have just entered bizarro world. Well...in a way it is true. Our young person's perspective (often false perspective)  impacts interpersonal interaction. It's up to us to help them readjust their mindset and to set the tone for productive rather than reactive conversations.

If you liked this blog here are some related ones you may want to read.

4 Secrets to Effective Communication with Your Teen 

5 New Steps for Parenting Teens 

7 Effective Ways to Respond to Your Teen

7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's almost Adult Phase

5 Things Teens Need to Know About Their Parents

How to Grow Your Child's Conscience

If this post was helpful and you want more information on raising big kids head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of   Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg
Licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com,  co-author of 3 parenting books (with her 1st solo endeavor to be published in May 2017 Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home),  mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love), wife to Tom,  Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  MOMS Together community on Facebook. 

The 4 Secrets to Effective Communication with Your Teen

It's frustrating isn't it? We parents have great and  hard earned wisdom and life experience. We want to bestow that knowledge to our young people. We don't want them to make the same mistakes or we hope to prevent the pain from a  move in a wrong direction.Yet... some (many) of those whippersnappers choose to ignore our well intended words and do things the hard way.

Perhaps it is time for us moms and dads to alter our the way we impart our wisdom to our teens.

My brother has said, "I've decided to hire only teens because teens know everything."

Being the parent of a "know it all teen" can be a bit difficult. Especially when we really do know better.

Understanding that this attitude is typical of a teenage developmental stage--- teens seeking autonomy-- we must adjust our parenting mindset.

The good thing is our young people are learning to own their own ideas, beliefs, and behaviors. This shift is the beginning of personal and interpersonal responsibility. Ultimately, we want this. This is a good thing. But the getting there process can feel like a tug of war.

If your young person turned a deaf ear to you, try these 4 secrets to effective communication with your teen. 

1. Train over tell.
Make your goal to train your child's character rather than telling him or her what to do. Let's say you notice your young person has been acting disrespectfully. Rather than saying, "You will respect me while you are living under my roof." You instead train for respect. "I treat you with respect. I expect respect in return." Make a mental note that your child needs to understand what respect looks like. Respect is observed in demonstrating kindness in actions and words. Take time to discuss why respect is an important quality for family members to embrace and exude. Of course approach the topic of respect, respectfully.

2. Listen over lecture.
The lecture usually begins after the lesson has been learned. Let the natural consequences do the speaking. The child already knows he messed up. The I told you sos, the shouldahs and the oughts are most likely fairly obvious. Instead listen to what your child learned and how they will do things differently next time. Have your child create a time line of events and choices made along the way. This is a helpful tool for discussing how poor decisions are made and how better choices can be lived out.

3. Ask over assume.
We can make a mistake by assuming positive perfection, "My child would never ...." or by a negative
assumption. Rather than assuming either always good or always bad-- ask. "You missed your curfew by 30 minutes. Tell me about this."  This provides mom and dad more insight into the child's thought process and opens the door for dialogue. Ask before assuming.


4. Influence over insistence
Parents, whether we realize it or not, have great influence over our young person. If we can have candid conversations with our kids about our family values and faith-- including the whys of what we believe-- we will have grater impact than if we insist that they comply. We want our kids to be committed to making the best and right choices.even when, especially when they are no longer living in our home,


We don't just want our kids to act right because of extrinsic rewards or punishment.... we want them to be motivated intrinsically due to a well due to a Holy Spirit led conscience and right thinking. These four secrets will help strengthen those positive qualities we hope our kids embrace as they mature.

The goal of this command is love,
which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
1 Timothy 1:5

Here are some related links:

5 New Steps for Parenting Teens 

7 Effective Ways to Respond to Your Teen

7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's almost Adult Phase

5 Things Teens Need to Know About Their Parents

How to Grow Your Child's Conscience

If this post was helpful and you want more information on raising big kids head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of   Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg
Licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com,  co-author of 3 parenting books (with her 1st solo endeavor to be published in May 2017 Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home),  mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love), wife to Tom,  Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  MOMS Together community on Facebook. 

5 New Steps for Parenting Teens

You have lived with your child for over a decade. Your family dynamics have a predictable rhythm.  Then .... suddenly your child is not dancing to the old familiar tune.

You keep trying the same moves but find you and your child are stepping on each other's toes.

W h a t   i s   g o i n g   o n ?

Well...the double digits have dialed in and we have discovered we need a new parenting dance. (And just when we could do our parenting moves blindfolded--those rascals change the steps.)

Here are  5 new steps for the parent-child dance in the tween and teen years.

1. Provide the guidelines but stay on the sidelines.
    Our kiddos still need guidance... and they need the opportunity to work things out within that structure. Allow them the opportunity to try, to fail, to succeed, to own the outcome. Be available to assist when asked. We want to get our kids thinking. We want them to make wise decisions when we are not with in ear shot. The only way that will happen is with some practice.

2. Have rubber-band limits.
    Limits can stretch and tighten depending on how your children respond. Rules on the other hand never change. Rules are consistent. They deal with values, morals, faith, safety, and legal issues. Limits adjust to the child's level of maturity. Limits can be stretched when trust has been demonstrated. More trust, more flexibility with the limits.

3. Allow for more freedom with increased responsibility.
    We want to raise responsible kids.We want kids who  are accountable for their actions and interactions. The only way responsibility is  encouraged is through increased freedom and ownership. The only way parents feel comfortable increasing freedom is when responsibility and trust are demonstrated. It all goes together. Talk with your child about where you can start allowing for more freedom and increased responsibility. They will most likely have a few ideas!

4. Morph from controller to consultant.
    Rather than managing the child's life--hand the reigns over (where appropriate) to the child and instead put on your consultant hat. All the good ideas a controller has, take those ideas and turn them into questions. "What is your plan?" "Would you like some help?" Get your child thinking and avoid micromanaging. The risk of continuing on in the controller mode is that the child will rebel or he may end up lacking confidence in his ability to do life.

5. Transition from chum to coach.
    The highly relational chum approach needs to let go a bit.  Encourage and support without horning in on everything. The potential danger of maintaining the chum approach is that eventually the child will come to resent the parent.


Our kids will let us know when a new dance is needed. "I'm not a baby." "I'm almost an adult." "I can do it myself." Listen for those cues.

Our kids will always want more freedom then we are ready to give and we always want more control or interaction than they need. Find the best dance for you and your child. Then...when your next kiddo enters the second decade, you will need to create a unique dance with and for him.

The parenting dance is fluid. We have no choice but to go with the flow of the child's grow. 

The wise in heart are called discerning, and gracious words promote instruction.

Proverbs 16:21

Here are a few related posts you may enjoy:

7 Effective Ways to Respond to Your Teen

7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's almost Adult Phase

5 Things Teens Need to Know About Their Parents

If this post was helpful and you want more information on raising big kids head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of   Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg
Licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com,  co-author of 3 parenting books (with her 1st solo endeavor to be published in May 2017 Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home),  mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love), wife to Tom,  Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses. Lori can also be found mentoring over at  MOMS Together community on Facebook. 

7 Effective Ways to Respond to Your Teen

Do you see evidence of this type of behavior in your home? 

• Dismissive
• Dramatic
• Distant
• Disconnected

Do you hear:

• "What are you looking at?"
• "Chill. I'll do it in a minute."
• "I'm so dumb."
• "You don't know everything."
• "Just leave me alone."

Ahhh, yes. You got teen. And your teen's caught the 'tude. In our home we called this MSA (Middle School Attitude). At one point my husband and I had 4 teens, 3 girls  and one boy. I get it.

In my experience, personal and professional, I  have found the boys typically tend to withdraw and shut down and the girls usually become more dramatic.

The teen years can be challenging as our young people strive to figure out who they are and where they fit.

Think of all the body changes. Recall all the social ups and downs. Reflect on the need for more independence and freedom. Remember trying to sort out your beliefs from your parents. 

The teen years contain lots of social, emotional, physical, and spiritual  challenges. 

One minute teens can be playful and fun-loving and then suddenly a switch is flipped and they may be passive aggressive, easily angered, braggadocios, full of self-doubt, self-conscious, withdrawn, and/or moody. 

Whoa--There is a lot going on.

Before we can respond well, we need to assess our own attitude and tone.

Do my actions and words convey respect? Am I respectful even when I disagree? What does my tone communicate? 

Rather than engage in battle there are some alternative and effective ways to respond to a teen emotional outburst or withdrawal.

1. Ignore the behavior. Let it go. It takes two to argue. You have heard it said, "You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to." 

2. Stay calm. Don't mirror their emotion. Present yourself the way in which you would like them to behave.

3. Use humor. But humor that is funny for all. No toxic verbal weapons like sarcasm or mocking.

4. Address the disrespect. "I respect you. I expect respect in return." 

5. Switch up your parenting style from Chum (the friend who is always involved) to the Coach (who steps back but provides guidance, encouragement and structure). Or from Controller (dictating the way things should go) the the Consultant (one who advises and asks questions to get the teen thinking)

6. Model how to handle frustration and anger in a constructive way.

7. Demonstrate thankfulness, gratefulness, and appreciation for your young person.

Teens are a part of the family system--whether they like it or not. It is important during these formative years that they have some extra freedom along with additional responsibility. Combine those individual adjustments with family expectations. Because they are a valuable part of the family they need to participate in family conversations and activities and pitch in around the home. 

Just a note: There is a mental health condition or mood disorder called dysthymia which can look like apathy or withdrawal. It is a persistent form of mild depression. Talk with your health professional or a licensed counselor if you see signs of this in your teen.

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.
Proverbs 14:29

Here are a few related posts:

7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's almost Adult Phase

5 Things Teens Need to Know About Their Parents

If this post was helpful and you want more information on raising big kids head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of   Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg

co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.

7 Ways to Impact Your Teen's Almost Adult Phase

Have big sighs and rolling eyes entered your home? You must be the parent of a tween or teen.

First off, let's just get this fact out of the way...

Mom, Dad, you are no longer cool. Even if you once were, you have officially lost your mojo and it is your teen's mission to let you know it.

Those big sighs and rolling eyes are a sign of something important. They are an indicator of the generation gap and the parenting shift.

Our teens live under our roof yet we do not live in their world.
Our lives intersect but we do not live the same life as our children.

One of the most eye opening experiences that best illustrates our kids' world is taking an opportunity to walk through the halls of a middle school or high school during passing period. When we have a chance to observe the interactions and movement between classes it becomes clear our kiddos have a lot to navigate.

We are no longer parents of young children who walk in a straight line down the school corridor but instead parents of young adults who need to weave in and out in order to get to their destination.

Our younger kids state, "I'm not a baby anymore." Our older kids declare, "I'm almost an adult."

These proclamations give moms and dads a heads up. It is time adjust and do a parenting shift.

No matter the age or stage, most moms and dads want to maintain respect in the home. Here are 7 ways to impact your teen's almost adult phase, while keeping respect intact.

R  Respect. Expect respect. My friend counselor Lucille Zimmerman reminded me of  Dr. Phil's Life Law #8 . "We teach people how to treat us." If we want respect to reign in our home we start with us. Talk and act with respect. Then we train by expecting respect from others,"I treat you with respect. I expect respect in return."  

E Empathy. Our kids need to know that we fully understand feelings of  disappointment and discouragement. Do a lot of listening when your young person comes to you. Be humble enough to admit you too have experienced pain. The more they feel heard and understood the more they will seek out your ear. When they are ready to open up be sure you are available.

S Self-Control. With all the emotional upheaval in the teen years self-control can seem out of reach. But self-control is a learned behavior. Help your tweens and teens learn how to self-regulate by operating out of their logic not emotions. Use words like: ponder, consider, think, evaluate, reassess. Focus less on the feelings aspect (they have that down pretty well already). Once our kids can make decisions based on logic rather than feeling they are less likely to engage in behavior they will regret later. (Click here for more information on conscience development)

P Persevere. The hang-in-there-muscle is developed by repeatedly and patiently working through  problems. Admittedly it is  hard for moms and dads to sit by and watch a child struggle yet that is the best way to actually empower your kiddo. Avoid the temptation to rescue your teen. Support, coach, consult, and encourage but don't save the day. The day belongs to the child and he ought to be one to claim the victory. (Click here to read 10 Ways to Avoid Enabling. Empower Your Child Instead.)

E Empower. Empower your young adult with these biblical messages: You are capable (Philippians 4:13), You are loved (John 3:16). You are equipped (2 Timothy 3:16-17).  You are created for a purpose (Psalm 138:8). (Click here to read 15 Empowering Messages to Give Your Kids )

C Consult. Of course there are times the parent of a teen will revert back to the roles of controller (rule setter) or chum (best buddy) but mostly in the teen years, parents must make the shift to the coach (encourager and guide) and  the consultant (trusted adviser). We want to provide godly influence while we cheer our kids on to think for themselves. (See below for more information on parenting roles)

T Time. As hard as our kids push away from us and attempt to shut down communication, what they really need from us is time. Be a student of your young adult. Discover who he is today. What are his likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests? Who does he like to hang out with and why. What music does he like? What is his favorite fast food restaurant? Let him teach you something. Enjoy being together. Build your relationship so it lasts a lifetime. (The Secret to Parenting Well)

The other day I was talking with some parent coaching clients about the roles of moms and dads. The dad articulated the parenting shift perfectly. He said,"Once you think you really have this parenting thing down then something changes and you have to learn a new way." Yep. Parenting and the parent-child relationship is fluid never static-- ever changing  and hopefully... everlasting.

Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor. Proverbs 21:21

If you liked this post, you may also find 3 Parenting Pitfalls that Prevent Successful Adulting helpful. 

If this post was helpful and you want more information on the 6 Parenting Styles head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of  Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  .

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.