Fighting Words

"You need to settle down." 

Oh boy... Fighting words.

I overheard a man (maybe a husband) say that to (I presume) his wife. I was going for a run and passed this poor soul while he was talking on his cell phone. As I cut through a parking lot, I heard him deliver his statement.

I wanted to stop, pull him aside, and give him a little advice: "Avoid the pairs of words, NEED TO and SETTLE DOWN." They were a double whammy to the recipient on the other end of the call.

I didn't. I chose to mind my own business. But I'm guessing the conversation escalated.

There are some high powered words that pack a one two punch, words to keep out of my vocabulary ...and yours (unless you are looking to climb into the ring) I have listed below:

Need to
Should have
Ought to
Why didn't
Told you

Settle down
Just relax
Chill out
Grow up

These pairs don't look too good in the parent-child or in the husband and wife  relationship. The first set is the, "You were wrong. I was right." These words are  said after the person who made the mistake or bad decision already knows this.

The other grouping basically says, "You are so emotional and immature."

Both  messages are condescending and unhelpful. These words generate strong emotions when spoken. The issue then becomes the angry or hurt feelings attached to the words rather than whatever the problem actually is.

Instead, stick to seeking a solution. With kids, rather than saying anything in section one (no matter how tempting) say, "How will you handle this differently next time?" In the case of the spouse, quiet is called for.

When another person becomes highly volatile instead of telling them to take it down a notch say, "I can see you are upset. How can I help?"

I want respect and love to reign in my home. So I must speak with love and respect and then I can expect the same in return.

Show proper respect to everyone. 

1 Peter 2:17

Choose Blessing or Cursing

Our words can bless or curse. Wound or heal. Build up or tear down.

Words. Are. Powerful.

I came across an article the other day about a seventh grade boy who posted on Instagram he was planning on committing suicide on his birthday. This young boy had been severely bullied. He had been wounded by other students' words and actions.

While being hospitalized for treatment, the boy's mom got an idea. She asked people on Facebook to send her son words of encouragement. He received THOUSANDS of responses. All uplifting and  hopeful. The words of affirmation, affection, and love all made a difference in the boy's perspective on his life and his future.

Healing had begun.

Moms and Dads, our words are powerful. As it says in Hebrews 3:13, "Encourage one another daily." Our kids need to hear words that will be motivating and affirming. And... when you need to guide or correct your child, before speaking ask yourself, "Will my message or its delivery tear down my child?" If so, retrain yourself to offer correction in a way that is not hurtful. Here are three quick tips.

The ABC's of Correction

* Avoid attacking your child's "personhood". Stick to the issue at hand. Seek to resolve the problem.
* Be aware of your nonverbal expressions. Avoid stomping, pointing, and exaggerating gestures.
* Change your tone. Be calm.

Parents, words can bring life....or death. 

What will you choose today?

For the full article on the seventh grade boy click here.

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Claiming and Defending

Theme for October: Identity
Verse:

"We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the faint hearted,

help the weak, be patient with everyone."

1 Thessalonians 5:14 NASB

Mom's Musing:
While sitting at a crowded high school football game I overheard a group of four kids making comments about the dance-line. It was half-time and the dancers were performing. The comments were highly negative. The four adults directly in front of the students were shuffling in their seats. Finally the older woman turned around, looked directly at the boy making the most offensive remarks and said,"That's my granddaughter you are talking about." She stated that fact gently and firmly. The kids were embarrassed and apologized.
I had to resist the urge to give Grandma a high-five. She handled the situation with grace, love, and truth. My instinct would have been to "Let 'em have it." That wouldn't have been effective. With her seven words she put a stop to the ugly comments, caused the kids to think about their ridiculing words, and she defended her granddaughter.  Go Granny!
Parenting Tip: When defending family members speak up but be gentle and firm using few words.