Cling Ons

Theme for July: Independence
Verse: 

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 

 1 Peter 5:7

Mom's Musing:

Last week I shared with you about my adult daughter's struggle with same sex attraction (July 2, 2012). This week we are going to look back at younger kids and discuss the dance between independence and dependence. I will continue to speak about her struggle and our response as God leads.

Do you have a Cling-on or a Velcro Kid? Various developmental stages and situations bring on the  hanger-on-er behavior. Separation anxiety may come from both external and internal places. The child who has just gone through a big change in his life circumstances, feels insecure and unsafe. That child typically holds Mom or Dad captive with a death grip. Developmentally, the desire for independence and dependence are at odds with each other. This struggle often occurs in the toddler years, when the child is figuring out he is a separate being from Mom. The young or even older child with anxiety due to temporary separation can be debilitating for the parent and the child. Parents may base their decisions on the child's emotional state. Thoughts like, "I can't leave my child" prevail. Ultimately the parent feels trapped while the child's suspicions are confirmed. "I'm only safe with my parent."

So how does a parent reinforce the child's ability to trust other caretakers? Answer: by being consistent and strong. The child's emotions don't get to dictate the parents coming and going (unless there is a  concern about with whom the child is being left). As hard as it is to leave a sobbing child with a white knuckle grip, do it. While peeling back the chubby little fingers, reassure your child you will return after an event like lunch or nap (make sure you follow through to build trust). Tell the child he is in capable and loving hands with the person he is being left with. Let the child know that this new caregiver has the responsibility for watching him and that you trust this person.

Parenting Tip:
My coauthor, Becky Danielson, used  a nontoxic marker and draw an xo on her boy's hand.  That gave her son a physical remembrance of her love for him a and a reminder of her promise to return.
Your Turn:
What ideas could you share with another parent struggling with a child who has separation anxiety?

Not an Island

Theme for July: Independence

Verse:

"Two are better than one."

 Ecclesiastes 4:9a

Mom's Musing:
Lucille Zimmerman, counselor, author, and friend, is big on self-care. But...she is quick to point out self-care is not isolation or even independence. Taking care of oneself includes developing and nurturing relationships.

Relationships are the stuff life is made of. 

God calls us into relationship with Him. He desires to draw us to himself not because He needs us but because he loves us. Our God is a relational God. For a long time I thought that meant he created humans because he needed us. Nope. God is self-sufficient-his relational needs are satisfied within the Trinity. He doesn't have to have us around...he just likes to!

Elements of independence are important for our children to have: the confidence to walk way from a bad situation, the ability to say no to peer pressure, being able to discern and think through situations, listening to thoughts stirred by God,  the desire to follow a dream not held by another. All these are all good qualities to foster in our children.

What we want to avoid is the seeking of independence from relationship with other people or even God. We are not created to be an island unto ourselves.

We are created for community. 

We need to be able to hold each other up and hold each other accountable. Independence does not give us support or conviction.Desirable independence includes God and others in the picture.

Parenting Tip: Help your kids form independent human thought while depending on the Holy Spirit to filter those thoughts. Encourage the development of healthy friendships.(Healthy friendships-according to Lori's dictionary- are defined by relationships that bring out the best in a person. A friend who draws out in another- the person God created him or her  to be.)

Your Turn: What do you do to grow your child's independence and also foster God dependence?

An Audience of One

Theme: Independence

Verse: 

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me.' " 

Matthew 19:14a 

Mom's Musing:
Have you heard the saying,"Once our kids are fit to live with they are living with someone else?" There is an element of truth to this. Parents are the kid trainers- the main socializers of children. Ultimately it is our job to grow our kids so they are able to make it on their own. We tend to view this as moving from dependence to independence. In a broad sense that is true and obviously important.
I'd like to put an bit of a twist on that truth.  I believe our job is to move our children from dependence on parents to dependence on God, while teaching them life skills to live as an adult. Personally, this is a bigger challenge. It is easier for me to provide instruction on how to operate a washing machine, help with study habits, and model how to interact with others-but how do I train or teach my children about a life of dependency on God?

Layering is the answer. 

Not just walking the talk but talking about how to walk the talk. Verbalizing with sincerity and acting with consistency in faith  are two other components. No matter what choices my kids make, they don't even need to ask what Tom and I think about something because we have been careful to express our belief system and act on our principles. This is not an easy road. Especially as children become young adults and are making some pretty big life decisions that will have just as large consequences. (If you find yourself in this nasty position- keep loving your kids while being true to who you are. And for the record I'm sorry. This can be very painful-I intimately know this heartache.)
Even though young adults are interested in a mother's and father's point of view, they sometimes choose to act independent of it. And..at the end of the day- the parent's opinion- or anyone else's for that matter-  really doesn't matter. Only one opinion does...Our Heavenly Father's.

Parenting Tip: When your family faces a challenge: unemployment, health issues, tragedy or experiences a great joy: new baby, better job, good family time let your kids see you talking to God, trusting Him, and praising Him. So..when your children get older they will be in the habit of turning to the Creator of the Universe for all things. If you have not yet done this, don't be discouraged. Start today. We serve a God who is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient. He created "time" and is not bound by it like we are. He can make time up in the air!

Your Turn:
How do you train your kids to depend on God? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Happy Independence Day!

Theme: July Uniqueness
Verse:

 "Live as servants of God. Show proper respect to everyone." 1 Peter 2:16b-17a

Mom's Musing:
We celebrate Independence Day. Freedom! Americans believe freedom to be an inalienable right. Our children believe this too! Pushing and pulling for more freedom as they grow. I remember watching my daughter cross the street to a friend's house for the first time without  holding my hand. I recall giving her permission to ride her bike to the park without me by her side. The vision of her driving off to school alone is imprinted in my brain. We are to raise up our children to be independent from us to dependent on God.
Parenting Tip: Watch your child to observe when a shift from parental dependence to independence is needed.