12 Vital Things for Parents to Say to Their Gay Child

"My young adult just  told me he's (or she's) gay. Now what?"

This inquiry used to be a rare one. This past month I have spoken to three different moms seeking answers to this very question.

Broken-hearted, lonely, and confused they are looking for camaraderie, comfort and clarity.

Empathy and compassion I have in full supply. I can relate. My daughter is same-sex attracted. 

Answers--  well God has those.

Each family, each child, each parent is different. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to how this is played out in the family.

God is the one to trust with the answers.

Along with my listening ear, I can provide some guidelines when it comes to living with this new reality. The most important thing I tell parents is to love their child. Once the young person has uncovered his secret, he is relieved his secret is out but fears his parents will not love him. Show him that is not true. Let him (or her) know you love him.

 So what does love sound like? Say these 12 vital statements to your child in order to build and maintain a relational bridge.

1. We are always here for you. Alleviate the young person's fear of rejection.
2. You are an important part of our family. Reinforce his place in the family.
3. You are precious to God and to us. Remind him of your love and God's love.
4. We will still ______ (go out to lunch, go to games, enjoy each other's company). Continue to pursue your relationship.
5. Your same-sex attraction doesn't define you or impede our relationship. Our identity is in Christ.
6. We respect your right to your opinions and beliefs. Respect can happen even if you cannot support the way your child is living out his orientation or preference.
7. We expect you to respect our right to our opinions and beliefs. Respect must occur for all.
8. Your friends (partner) are always welcome in our home. Be a part of your child's life and get to know those who are important to him.
9. We have the option to say no if a request (like having a partner spend the night in the same room)  makes us uncomfortable, violates our conscience, or butts up against our convictions. 
10. When we dialogue, we will talk and listen respectfully. We may need to agree to disagree.
11. We will not lecture or debate. This will get us nowhere fast. We will show grace while speaking truth.
12. We will not always talk about the same sex-attraction every time we get together. We all know where each individual stands on this issue. Let's begin by talking about where we can agree or have common ground.

If you are in conflict with your child's sexuality, don't feel as if you have to compromise or sacrifice your beliefs to maintain a relationship with your kid. It isn't loving to force someone to see things a particular way. Relational blackmail can go both ways: "I disown you if you are gay" or "I will walk away if you can't accept me for who I am."

Love one another unconditionally. Acceptance and agreement are not the same thing. We can accept a person without being in full agreement with everything each party thinks and believes or how each person acts or feels.  Families are made up of individuals who do not agree on many things. But they can agree to love and respect each other even when they disagree. There is no reason why this issue has to divide families.

When we speak truth with gentleness and respect and show grace we give love. When you feel concerned, bring it to God. Trust Him with the details. He loves our kids more than we do.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Lori Wildenberg
Licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, and author is available to speak at your next event. Click here to contact Lori  for your next event. Lori's fourth and newest book, Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home is available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. You can also connect with Lori to order a copy (copies) . 

Not an Island

Theme for July: Independence

Verse:

"Two are better than one."

 Ecclesiastes 4:9a

Mom's Musing:
Lucille Zimmerman, counselor, author, and friend, is big on self-care. But...she is quick to point out self-care is not isolation or even independence. Taking care of oneself includes developing and nurturing relationships.

Relationships are the stuff life is made of. 

God calls us into relationship with Him. He desires to draw us to himself not because He needs us but because he loves us. Our God is a relational God. For a long time I thought that meant he created humans because he needed us. Nope. God is self-sufficient-his relational needs are satisfied within the Trinity. He doesn't have to have us around...he just likes to!

Elements of independence are important for our children to have: the confidence to walk way from a bad situation, the ability to say no to peer pressure, being able to discern and think through situations, listening to thoughts stirred by God,  the desire to follow a dream not held by another. All these are all good qualities to foster in our children.

What we want to avoid is the seeking of independence from relationship with other people or even God. We are not created to be an island unto ourselves.

We are created for community. 

We need to be able to hold each other up and hold each other accountable. Independence does not give us support or conviction.Desirable independence includes God and others in the picture.

Parenting Tip: Help your kids form independent human thought while depending on the Holy Spirit to filter those thoughts. Encourage the development of healthy friendships.(Healthy friendships-according to Lori's dictionary- are defined by relationships that bring out the best in a person. A friend who draws out in another- the person God created him or her  to be.)

Your Turn: What do you do to grow your child's independence and also foster God dependence?