12 Vital Things for Parents to Say to Their Gay Child

"My young adult just  told me he's (or she's) gay. Now what?"

This inquiry used to be a rare one. This past month I have spoken to three different moms seeking answers to this very question.

Broken-hearted, lonely, and confused they are looking for camaraderie, comfort and clarity.

Empathy and compassion I have in full supply. I can relate. My daughter is same-sex attracted. 

Answers--  well God has those.

Each family, each child, each parent is different. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to how this is played out in the family.

God is the one to trust with the answers.

Along with my listening ear, I can provide some guidelines when it comes to living with this new reality. The most important thing I tell parents is to love their child. Once the young person has uncovered his secret, he is relieved his secret is out but fears his parents will not love him. Show him that is not true. Let him (or her) know you love him.

 So what does love sound like? Say these 12 vital statements to your child in order to build and maintain a relational bridge.

1. We are always here for you. Alleviate the young person's fear of rejection.
2. You are an important part of our family. Reinforce his place in the family.
3. You are precious to God and to us. Remind him of your love and God's love.
4. We will still ______ (go out to lunch, go to games, enjoy each other's company). Continue to pursue your relationship.
5. Your same-sex attraction doesn't define you or impede our relationship. Our identity is in Christ.
6. We respect your right to your opinions and beliefs. Respect can happen even if you cannot support the way your child is living out his orientation or preference.
7. We expect you to respect our right to our opinions and beliefs. Respect must occur for all.
8. Your friends (partner) are always welcome in our home. Be a part of your child's life and get to know those who are important to him.
9. We have the option to say no if a request (like having a partner spend the night in the same room)  makes us uncomfortable, violates our conscience, or butts up against our convictions. 
10. When we dialogue, we will talk and listen respectfully. We may need to agree to disagree.
11. We will not lecture or debate. This will get us nowhere fast. We will show grace while speaking truth.
12. We will not always talk about the same sex-attraction every time we get together. We all know where each individual stands on this issue. Let's begin by talking about where we can agree or have common ground.

If you are in conflict with your child's sexuality, don't feel as if you have to compromise or sacrifice your beliefs to maintain a relationship with your kid. It isn't loving to force someone to see things a particular way. Relational blackmail can go both ways: "I disown you if you are gay" or "I will walk away if you can't accept me for who I am."

Love one another unconditionally. Acceptance and agreement are not the same thing. We can accept a person without being in full agreement with everything each party thinks and believes or how each person acts or feels.  Families are made up of individuals who do not agree on many things. But they can agree to love and respect each other even when they disagree. There is no reason why this issue has to divide families.

When we speak truth with gentleness and respect and show grace we give love. When you feel concerned, bring it to God. Trust Him with the details. He loves our kids more than we do.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Ecclesiastes 7:9

Lori Wildenberg
Licensed parent and family educator, co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, and author is available to speak at your next event. Click here to contact Lori  for your next event. Lori's fourth and newest book, Messy Journey: How Grace and Truth Offer the Prodigal a Way Home is available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. You can also connect with Lori to order a copy (copies) . 

When Belief and Behavior Collide

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. 

And what does the Lord require of you? 

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." 

Micah 6:8

I've been dreading writing this blog. Headaches and stomachaches have wreaked havoc on my body the last few days. Yet I know the Lord is leading me to write this. Readers, it's possible you may feel discomfort with this article for it is an uncomfortable topic. It is one in which most people have a strong opinion. Chuck Stecker, president of A Chosen Generation told me, "An opinion is like a nose. Everyone gets to have one."  Please know the subject matter you are about to read comes from a private and heart wrenching place.( Before posting this, I got my daughter's permission.) I ask for your grace and understanding as I open up to my personal pain and experience.


My twenty-four year-old daughter, my oldest child, has decided- for now -to give up her struggle and has recently gone public with her decision to embrace a gay life style. While she was in the midst of her battle, it was right to be quiet and respect her privacy. I value transparency but I'm also not in the practice of publicly airing my children's issues.


I want you, my readers, to know my family is not perfect. Far from it. I also want you to know, I understand the struggles you may face. God has entrusted me, like many of you, with a full resume of family challenges. (Lucky us...please forgive the sarcasm.)


Parents, especially Christian parents, who find themselves in the unenviable position of having a child declare himself or herself gay, discover it is a lonely place. Once the information goes public, many well intended but misinformed individuals have advice to pass along. Most of the advice is not asked for and unwelcome. My friend, Heather Riggleman, calls this  "A Parenting Drive-By".


Many parents feel confused, afraid, betrayed, hurt, or angry when their adult children make decisions contrary to the way in which they were raised. As children age and become adults we can continue to speak into their lives with love and truth but ultimately the journey is their own, a journey of independence.


Parents find themselves choosing between grace and truth, mercy and justice. But why choose? Jesus gives us both. The place where I know I can always go to  for comfort, love, and truth is to God's Word.

Parenting Tip:
So if you are in this place and do want a tip -here it is:  Unconditionally love your child. Pray any activity that is not honoring to the Lord leaves him or her empty. Pray for your child to have a heart's desire to know the Lord better. Ask God for His strength and to be filled with grace, mercy, and humility while continuing to speak truth. Identity is not defined by sexuality, it is defined by being a child of God.

Your Turn:
I would love a response to this blog. I have to admit I'm feeling pretty vulnerable. What situations have you found to be challenging? Has your adult child's behavior collided with your beliefs? What advice would you offer?