What do chocolate and time-out have in common? Parents, especially moms, like both. But I'm here to say...
Time-Out?
Waste. Of. Time.
Toss it. It doesn’t work.
Sorry. I know… most parents use this strategy. Time-Out is a
commonly used approach that needs major tweaking.
If you are among the Parental Time-Outers, I’d like
you to think about the technique from this perspective. Let’s say you desire to
lose weight. (This must be on my mind with swim suit season upon us. Anyway….) A week later, you make the fatal decision to
slide a chair over to the upper cupboard, step up, get on your tippy-toes and
reach waaaaaaay back on the shelf to grab that creamy Symphony milk
chocolate bar- which you hid from yourself the week before. (Tell me you do
this, too.)
Part way through the sweet delight, you are caught red-handed. You
are sternly told, “Go to your room and think about what you did wrong.” Next
the amount of incarceration time is declared, “Stay in your room the exact
number of minutes as your age!”
What would you be thinking about? Chocolate. The taste. Wanting
more. Figuring out how to get another fix without getting caught.
And- the older you are the more time you have to dwell on these
thoughts. HMMMM.
While focusing on the deed and the desert, the desire for
chocolate would increase, wouldn’t it? Rather than figuring out how to avoid
the temptation the NEED for it would be reinforced.
That’s what time out does.
It reinforces the very behavior the parent wants to extinguish.
So…put time-out in the penalty box and try this instead. A
TIME IN. Have your youngster take time to think about how to
behave differently the next time. (There is always a next time!)
Kids can do this.
Once the child has figured out how to handle a situation
more appropriately he can return to the family fold with his plan.
No sense waiting for a particular time period. Once a solution is arrived at,
it’s better to move on with the day. Have your child tell you his new
plan combined with an apology.
Child: “Instead of screaming, I will use a respectful voice when I
ask for something. I’m sorry I was disrespectful. Will you forgive me?”
Parent: “Of course, I’ll forgive you. I love you. Good
plan. I like the idea of using a respectful voice. And… how great you came up
with your idea so quickly.”
Hug.
The child has done some good problem solving, the idea of the
replacement action has been reinforced, restitution sought, and
relational reconciliation has occurred.
Time-In is effective.
As I tell the moms and dads I work with, get your child
thinking. Seek to train for the desired behavior and to reinforce the
character qualities you hope to grow in your child.
Which behaviors usually warrant a time-out in your home?
Try to tweak the OUT to an IN.
(Now, where is that almond, toffee, and chocolate treat?)
