The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 3)

If you have been following the series of The Secret to Disciplining Well you know we are discussing Phase Three. If you have not been following the series you will want to circle back and read Phase 1 and Phase 2.

The Secret to Disciplining Well occurs in 3 progressive stages:
Phase 1 Instruction. Phase 2 Correction. Phase 3 Sanction.

Sanctions or punishment is the last phase of the disciplining well progression.

Here is what sanctions, as they relate to parenting well, look like:

• They occur only after instruction, retraining, and correction have been used.
• They happen infrequently.
• They last for a short period of time.
• They are administered following a warning.
• They are not exercised in anger.
• Their purpose is to change hearts and behavior going forward.

Many times moms and dads jump to punishment before solid training has occurred. We want our kids to learn the godly and best way to live. To do this the most effective way to parent is to train rather than punish. We want to reinforce the behavior and attitudes we want rather than spot light the ones we want to extinguish. 

Types of punishments commonly used are spankings, time-outs, grounding, or taking away an object, activity, item, or a privilege.

Here are some ways to approach punishment, keeping the end goal of character training in mind.

1. Spankings: Use only under these conditions. (If you have abuse in your background do not spank.) Don't spank when angry. Don't spank kids 5 and up. Spank with a purpose in mind, "You are getting a spanking for safety because you ran across the street without holding my hand." Administer the punishment quickly. Finish with the words, "I love you. This will help you remember we hold hands to stay safe when we cross the street." Hug. (You may want to check out this blog on to Spank or not to Spank )

2. Time Out and Grounding. These two are the same in principle. One is used for little guys the other older kids. I would call it a Time -In. Time to think about how to do it differently the next time. Use the time-in idea for training. "You hit your sister when she took your truck . Take a time in. Think about how you will do it differently the next time. Then come and tell me your plan." (see this blog on Time In rather than Time Out.)

3. Warning. Warnings should be given when you plan to follow through. Warnings are not empty threats. The best sanctions are ones that follow the warning. "We spank for safety." "We take a Time in if we are disrespectful." 

4. Taking away stuff, activities, or privileges. Remove the child's currency if it relates to the crime. Keep the punishment logical, use natural consequences so the child relates the undesirable  behavior to the punishment. If the teen comes home later than his curfew, perhaps he can owe you time by having to wake up early and do some work for you.

We can turn even the 3rd phase of discipline (punishment, sanction) into training. A general rule of thumb is to start small. You can always go bigger. Rather than grounding the rascal for life--administer a shorter time period combined with effectively training your child's character while correcting his behavior.

Punishment is not for parents to use so they feel they have regained control. Punishment ought to be used to help the child learn to control his actions and alter his attitude.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:26

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.
Head over to Amazon  to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  for more parenting tips and strategies.

The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 2)

Last week, The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 1)  was published, If you missed it you may want to read that article first.

Phase one of disciplining well comes in the form of instructing by modeling and direct training of behavior we want to encourage and character traits we hope to develop in our children.

Phase two of the discipline progression brings us to correction.

First let's go over what correction is not:

• It is not rejection.
• It is not shaming.
• It is not sarcasm.
• It is not public.
• It is not blaming.
• It is not criticism.
• Correction is not punishment. ( See phase 3 next week) 

Correction is a form of training. Think of it like a captain  correcting his ship's course in order to arrive at the desired destination.

Correction is an adjustment done privately with kindness. 

One mom shared with me that when she tries to correct her preschooler, her daughter tells her, "Mommy you are hurting my heart."

I suggested the mom tell the child, "I'm not talking to your heart I'm talking to your brain."

To be effective, correction must be kind and it must come from the place of logic not emotion. 

Correct but correct with kindness.

Ask questions.

Older kids: 
 "I see you are frustrated. How can I help?"
"What have you learned from this situation?"
 "How will you approach it differently next time?"

Younger kids:
"We eat the food on the plate. I see you are not eating. You must be done with your lunch." (Since they have just proceeded to toss it on the floor) Then take the plate away and remove the child from his highchair.

Our kids don't come out of the chute knowing how to act. It is our job to train them.

Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,
but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.
Proverbs 15:32

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.
Head over to Amazon  to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  for more parenting tips and strategies.

The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 1)

When you think of discipline,  what comes to mind?
Punishment?
Time outs?
Spankings?
Behavior modification?
Natural and logical consequences?

Before revealing the best discipline secret, let's unveil what discipline meant to your parents while you were growing up.
Did it mean...
Punishment?
Time outs?
Spankings?
Behavior modification?
Natural and logical consequences?

How our parents disciplined us, affects how we discipline our kids. Even though we know this we often we repeat past behaviors due the tapes that cycle through our memory banks. Sometimes we swing the opposite way in order not repeat unhealthy or hurtful patterns. Once we are able to look back and evaluate our own past experience we are better equipped to move forward and discipline our own kiddos well.

I looked up the biblical meaning for discipline and found these synonyms: train, teach, instruct, correct, warn, and punish.

Did you notice the progression? God begins with training, teaching, and instructing. He then moves to correction and  warning. The final mode of discipline is punishment. These are good logical steps to take--lesser to greater.

The secret to effective discipline is to begin with training, teaching , and instructing our kids.

We talk.
                 Our kids need to know how to live well and we can help them by clearly stating expectations : "Open the door for your dad, his hands are full."

We show. We model. We describe.
                   We can demonstrate how to act and describe the heart behind the action. "I opened the door for your dad when his  hands were full because he needed help and our family helps each other ."
We train.
            Leave some room for the child to draw his own conclusion. "I noticed your dad's hands are full and the door is shut. Can you help him?" 

We acknowledge. We reinforce. 

            "I saw you helped your dad out when his hands were full. I know he appreciated your help.   That was thoughtful of you to put down what you were doing to help your dad. You are a kind person." 

There are always two goals to discipline. The first is the immediate desired behavior.  The second long term and more important goal is the heart behind the behavior, the character trait(s )you want to encourage and develop in your child.

Our kids don't automatically know how to act. It is up to moms and dads to train them. It's our job.

Watch for:
The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 2)
The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 3)

The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction.

Proverbs 16:23

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.
Head over to Amazon  to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  for more parenting tips and strategies.

It’s NOT Funny! What to do if your child laughs at discipline.

We love humor. But…when disciplining our kiddos humor isn’t funny. 

When our child smirks and busts a gut during a serious moment, we feel as if those Fourth of July fireworks in our chest are ready to explode.

That grin. That giggle. OH! It feels like mocking.

Let’s consider some things before lighting the fuse.

•          Humor usually brings people together.
•      Humor  is a great deflector and distractor.
•      Humor is a positive way to get attention.
•     Humor can be a way to gain or regain control.
•     Humor can be used to manipulate.
•      Humor is an action. But laughter is a reaction.

Appropriate laughter we all enjoy. The right place, the right time. The right content.

Laughter is a physical response to an emotional trigger.

Have you ever said, “If I don’t laugh, I’m going to cry?”

Sometimes kids get the giggles or act silly when they feel uncomfortable or nervous. They may laugh or act like a jokester to reconnect or reaffirm the parent-child relationship.

When mom or dad express anger, it is possible the child is attempting to make things better with joke to defuse the situation. It’s also likely he is scared or uncomfortable and that a laugh is his reaction rather than to fight or take flight.

Observe your child. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps his reaction is due to fear. Maybe it is a way to reestablish the relationship.

No matter the reason, mom and dad must not ignite the wick. Stay in control.

During the moment mirror his non-verbal behavior: "You are smiling."

Ask, "Are you feeling uncomfortable?"

After the event inquire, “Why do you think you smiled when I was speaking with you?”

Discuss more typical responses to anger or fear. Talk about how a smile during a serious moment can be misunderstood.

Once the behavior is verbalized it is easier for the child to draw up a more appropriate response.

If your kiddo uses humor as a tool to  alleviate discomfort come up with a different strategy. 

Commend him on how he has been blessed with a sense of humor. Talk about the right time and place for his antics. You may even want to use a visual or tactile cue to encourage appropriateness.

"Put on your left brain, logic hat. It’s time for us to talk about…..”

“My touch is a sign that this is important but not scary.”

In finding out the WHY of the chuckles you will be better equipped to deal with the anger inducing laughter during a serious moment. 

He will yet fill our mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
Job 8:21

By,

Lori Wildenberg is co-founder of 1 Corinthians13Paretning.com, co-author of three parenting books, licensed parent-family education, and a mom of four. Contact Lori to speak at your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and coaching. 

Head over to Amazon to find Lori & Becky's books:

Raising Little Kids with BIG Love

 Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love

Chocolate and Time-Out

What do chocolate and time-out have in common? Parents, especially moms, like both. But I'm here to say...

Time-Out?

Waste. Of. Time.

Toss it. It doesn’t work.

Sorry. I know… most parents use this strategy. Time-Out is a commonly used approach that needs major tweaking.

If you are among the Parental Time-Outers, I’d like you to think about the technique from this perspective. Let’s say you desire to lose weight. (This must be on my  mind with swim suit season upon us. Anyway….) A week later, you make the fatal decision to slide a chair over to the upper cupboard, step up, get on your tippy-toes and reach waaaaaaay back on the shelf to grab that creamy Symphony  milk chocolate bar- which you hid from yourself the week before. (Tell me you do this, too.)

Part way through the sweet delight, you are caught red-handed. You are sternly told, “Go to your room and think about what you did wrong.” Next the amount of incarceration time is declared, “Stay in your room the exact number of minutes as your age!”

What would you be thinking about? Chocolate. The taste. Wanting more. Figuring out how to get another fix without getting caught.

And- the older you are the more time you have to dwell on these thoughts. HMMMM.

While focusing on the deed and the desert, the desire for chocolate would increase, wouldn’t it? Rather than figuring out how to avoid the temptation the NEED for it would be reinforced.

That’s what time out does. 

It reinforces the very behavior the parent wants to extinguish.

So…put time-out in the penalty box and try this instead. A TIME IN. Have your youngster take time to think about how to behave differently the next time. (There is always a next time!)

Kids can do this.

Once the child has figured out how to handle a situation more appropriately  he can return to the family fold with his plan. No sense waiting for a particular time period. Once a solution is arrived at, it’s better to  move on with the day. Have your child tell you his new plan combined with an apology.

Child: “Instead of screaming, I will use a respectful voice when I ask for something. I’m sorry I was disrespectful. Will you forgive me?”

Parent: “Of course, I’ll forgive you. I love you. Good plan. I like the idea of using a respectful voice. And… how great you came up with your idea so quickly.”

Hug.

The child has done some good problem solving, the idea of the replacement action has been reinforced, restitution  sought, and relational reconciliation has occurred.

Time-In is effective.

As I tell the moms and dads I work with, get your child thinking. Seek to train for the desired behavior and to reinforce the character qualities you hope to grow in your child. 

Which behaviors usually warrant a time-out in your home? Try to tweak the OUT to an IN.

(Now, where is that almond, toffee, and chocolate treat?)

"Taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalm 34:8

This blog was previously posted as a guest post for Her View From Home May 15, 2013

You can find Lori along with five other family, faith, and education experts at www.1Corinthians13Parenting.com .

If you like Eternal Moments you will like 1C13Parenting also!