The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 2)

Last week, The Secret to Disciplining Well (Phase 1)  was published, If you missed it you may want to read that article first.

Phase one of disciplining well comes in the form of instructing by modeling and direct training of behavior we want to encourage and character traits we hope to develop in our children.

Phase two of the discipline progression brings us to correction.

First let's go over what correction is not:

• It is not rejection.
• It is not shaming.
• It is not sarcasm.
• It is not public.
• It is not blaming.
• It is not criticism.
• Correction is not punishment. ( See phase 3 next week) 

Correction is a form of training. Think of it like a captain  correcting his ship's course in order to arrive at the desired destination.

Correction is an adjustment done privately with kindness. 

One mom shared with me that when she tries to correct her preschooler, her daughter tells her, "Mommy you are hurting my heart."

I suggested the mom tell the child, "I'm not talking to your heart I'm talking to your brain."

To be effective, correction must be kind and it must come from the place of logic not emotion. 

Correct but correct with kindness.

Ask questions.

Older kids: 
 "I see you are frustrated. How can I help?"
"What have you learned from this situation?"
 "How will you approach it differently next time?"

Younger kids:
"We eat the food on the plate. I see you are not eating. You must be done with your lunch." (Since they have just proceeded to toss it on the floor) Then take the plate away and remove the child from his highchair.

Our kids don't come out of the chute knowing how to act. It is our job to train them.

Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,
but the one who heeds correction gains understanding.
Proverbs 15:32

Lori Wildenberg
co-founder of 1Corinthians13Parenting.com, co-author of 3 parenting books, mom of four (plus one daughter-in-love) Contact Lori for your next event. She is also available for parent consulting and parent training courses.
Head over to Amazon  to get Raising Little Kids with Big Love or Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love  for more parenting tips and strategies.

Four Parenting Myths Busted

Parents, here are a four myths we are tempted to believe ... and the truth that busts them:

1. Correction Crushes a Child's Spirit.

    TRUTH:  No. Correction is training. Kids need training. Criticism is the thing that crushes a child's spirit. Correction motives and encourages a child to do something better. It is training. 

     Criticism sounds like: Your room is always a mess. You are so disorganized. How can you find anything?  (negative, personal attack, shaming)

     Correction sounds like: Your room needs some TLC. I will show you how you can organize it. I will help you if you like. (state problem, train, offer assistance- same team approach)

2. A Big Voice Means Business.

     TRUTH: No. A big voice means the parent is out of control and the child has control of the parent's emotions. 

      A quiet voice (not a whispered threatening voice, a pleasant one) , in close proximity, using eye contact, and gentle touch increases the importance of the message and is more likely to gain the         child's cooperation. 

3. My Kids Need to Work It Out Alone.

      TRUTH: No. Most kids don't have conflict resolution skills. If they are not assisted, jungle rules prevail. The biggest, toughest kid gets his way. 

       Instead give your children skills to deal with conflict. Teach them how to respectfully state a concern without attacking the person.  Speak stating with "I" rather than "You".  " I feel frustrated           when you use my stuff without asking." Next person, "I'm sorry I took your shirt with ut your permission. Will you forgive me?" "Yes" Final line, "I will ask next time."  Train your kids in how           to handle interpersonal issues respectfully.  They need your help to do this.  Be sure to be the coach than the referee.

4. Consistency is a MUST. 

      TRUTH: No. Consistency is critical in moral, safety, and legal  messages. How the issues are dealt with depends on the situation and the child. Discipline doesn't always have to be the same. Where you stand on important issues does. 

What myths do you believe?

Teach me your way, Lord,
    that I may rely on your faithfulness.
Psalm 86:11a 

By,
Lori Wildenberg
Co-founder of 1 Corinthians 13 Parenting, co-author of three parenting books.  Contact Lori for your next speaking engagement.

If you found this post helpful check out Lori's co-authored books:
Raising Little Kids with Big Love ( toddler to 9) and Raising Big Kids with Supernatural Love 
( tween to young adult)   both books by Wildenberg & Danielson

The ABC's of Correction

Our words can bless or curse. Wound or heal. Build up or tear down.

Words. Are. Powerful.

I came across an article the other day about a seventh grade boy who posted on Instagram he was planning on committing suicide on his birthday. This young boy had been severely bullied. He had been wounded by other students’ words and actions.

While being hospitalized for treatment, the boy’s mom got an idea. She asked people on Facebook to send her son words of encouragement. He received THOUSANDS of responses. All uplifting and hopeful. The words of affirmation, affection, and love all made a difference in the boy’s perspective on his life and his future.

Healing had begun.

Moms and Dads, our words are powerful. As it says in Hebrews 3:13, “Encourage one another daily.” Our kids need to hear words that will be motivating and affirming. And… when you need to guide or correct your child, before speaking ask yourself, “Will my message or its delivery tear down my child?” If so, retrain yourself to offer correction in a way that is not hurtful. Here are three quick tips.

The ABC’s of Correction

* Avoid attacking your child’s “personhood”. Stick to the issue at hand. Seek to resolve the problem.
* Be aware of your nonverbal expressions. Avoid stomping, pointing, and exaggerating gestures.
* Change your tone. Be calm.

Parents, words can bring life….or death. 


What will you choose today?